


Taste

by moodwriter



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Stripper/Exotic Dancer, Angst, Explicit Sexual Content, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-22
Updated: 2012-09-18
Packaged: 2017-11-03 22:34:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 40,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/386727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moodwriter/pseuds/moodwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tommy Joe learns to strip. Epilogue added.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Little Demon Boy

**Author's Note:**

>   
>  Banner by me.
> 
> Everything I know about stripping is pure research. :) And I took some artistic liberties with it anyway.
> 
> Betaed by the wonderful aislinn. Thank you, dear. <3 Also, Sulwen preread the chapter when I was feeling like I can't finish this. This fandom is full of lovely people.

He's sick of his life, has been for a while now. People say that money can't buy happiness, but those people usually have enough of it to pay the bills and buy food for their table. Tommy Joe has none, and he's living on the good will of his friends. A struggling musician. Well, nobody told him that without education he'd be totally useless at the job market, and that without a proper job he couldn't even go to Mexico with Mia and Mike for a vacation. 

At twenty-seven, he curses his life choices. And that's why he is now staring at the sign on the door of a not-so-sleazy strip club. Good money, they say. Especially for pretty things like him. It's better than selling his useless corpse. 

He's just not much of a dancer, and the idea of people actually watching him try to move his bony ass... It petrifies him. That's the thing he thinks about, not the fact that he'd be dropping his pants every night so all the fine men (and women) in America could go home and jerk off to the images of his naked body. That part doesn't really scare him. He sees it as a means to an end, but it's the actual shaking his ass that leaves him wondering. Could he do it? 

"Considering?" a tall, dark stranger asks, and Tommy shrugs. He has no idea who the guy is so he's not going to spill. When he doesn't say anything the guy continues, "You look the part, but are you old enough?"

Tommy bites his lip. Most of the time he can't even buy his booze without someone asking for his ID. He wants to snarl at the guy. If he was a girl he'd probably be happy about looking like jailbait, but since he's a grown man it irritates him. He'd grow a beard if he could. Damn it. 

"Ask for Raja if you go in. She runs the place. It's one of the best clubs in town." The stranger flashes him a smile that nearly drops him on his flat ass. God, where did that come from?

"Oh, okay. Thanks..." He looks at the guy pointedly. 

"Adam," he says, the smile turning into a sly grin. "Thanks, Adam."

Tommy checks him out from head to toe before saying, "Thanks, Adam." Then he extends his hand. "I'm Tommy."

"Hello, Tommy. Are you joining us?"

Adam doesn't give his hand back which makes Tommy feel awkward. Especially since Adam's hand is warm and strong, and Tommy's starts to sweat. He clears his throat, but he managed to forget the question already, and he's just staring into Adam's eyes. He's not looking for anything. He's not. And Adam's so not his type, being dude and all, but he's staring and so is Adam. 

Tommy puts a hand on Adam's chest, pushes him back, or means to, but somehow he ends up with his fingers curled around Adam's T-shirt. What the actual fuck is happening? They are in the middle of a street (it's not crowded, but anyone could walk by), and they don't even know each other. "Um... Can I have my hand back?" Tommy asks, holding his breath. 

"Yeah... sure. I didn't... Sorry." Adam takes a step back, lets go of Tommy's hand, but Tommy's fingers, they hold onto Adam's shirt. Adam looks down, then tilts his head to the side, his eyes on Tommy's. "You're cute and tempting, but I don't do possible coworkers." 

That whips Tommy into movement, and he lets go, steps back, like Adam just hit him. 

"Hey, it's nothing personal. I've just had bad experiences."

He wants to say _You started it!_ but stays quiet instead. This won't work. He walks around Adam, heads home - or the place that has all his stuff at the moment - because this is definitely not his place. He hears Adam yell something, but he can't make out any of the words. He keeps walking, not looking back. 

Tommy tries to find another job. He's tried pubs, restaurants, and call-centers before, but none of them are hiring at the moment, and he's not good at that kind of work. He sleeps in odd hours, and he can't not talk back to people who piss him off in the right way. He lost his last job because of that. 

Dave tells him to stop being a wimp and try stripping. That's just so weird because usually friends don't encourage friends to strip their clothes off in front of strangers. But Dave knows him, knows that he needs a change soon or he'll become a depressed mess.

So that's it. Tommy calls places, meets owners, gets to know the scene. Some of the owners are sleazeballs, and most of the dancers are girls. For some reason he'd like to work in a club where they have mostly male dancers. He hopes he wouldn't have to be so good at it then, and maybe he'd feel more like home in such a place. He knows it's wishful thinking, but he's an optimist by nature - even if his friends think otherwise. 

He practices a dance routine, makes a mixed tape, buys suitable clothes, reads about stripper tips, and then goes to a few auditions. He likes some of those places, and people seem to be interested in him. Many of them suggest that he should dress as a girl because that would make him earn more with certain kind of audiences. He considers it, but he's not yet even comfortable with the whole dancing part and doing that in heels would probably kill him. 

When he chats with the girls in one club they think at first that he's not serious, just trying to get their attention, but his genuine interest and need to learn make them a lot more approachable and fun, and he soon finds out that Naked Spirit is the club most of them would like to work at, but Raja is not hiring any girls right now. They also tell him he should create a fake persona for his stage self, and he should never give his real name to anyone. They start to throw him different names from Ronald the Slayer to Whiskey Cream. He laughs with them, and finds it surprising that they are friendly with each other, not so competitive as the few stripper tips online made him believe. He hopes that the club he'll be working at has a good spirit too. 

After five auditions, three selected songs, four sets of clothes, and a dance routine that has him comfortable enough, he goes back to Naked Spirit. It's the audition day, and he's prepared for it by shaving his entire body and getting his hair done. He even had his nails fixed: black nail polish and rounded tips. He's so nervous he can't stay still, his fingers tapping the underside of his chair, his feet finding a similar rhythm. The line is not that long, maybe fifteen people before him, and then five more after him. All of them look gorgeous, and he feels like he's in the wrong crowd.

When it's his turn he grabs his backpack, and walks after the gorgeous woman who introduces herself as Sasha. She's wearing clothes that remind him of jungle, wild things, scary beasts and shamans, but her smile is pretty and she moves like she's meant for dancing. She's barefoot, her dark skin flawless, her muscles toned and flexible. He can't stop staring, and it's embarrassing. He tries to be discreet, but it's not really working. Fortunately it doesn't matter because she only continues to smile when she notices him staring. 

The club is magic. Sex and champagne. Dark in an alluring way, yet it doesn't have the unflattering black lights like so many other strip clubs. It's high class, and the stage is long and T-shaped, just like he hoped it would be. 

He assumes that the woman sitting on a tall bar stool at the long end of the stage is Raja. When she notices Tommy she gets up and comes to greet him. Her voice is low, rough, and Tommy stares at her for a moment, shocked. She's a he, but she's so very beautiful that it's hard to believe. He recovers from the shock quickly and takes the hand Raja is offering. "Nice to meet you. I'm Tommy, and my stage name is Daimon."

"Well, hello, little demon," Raja says, giving him the once over. "Gorgeous. Have you done this before?"

"I'm starting now." His hands are sweating, and he feels like he can't breathe. There are other people here, too, other dancers, and they are all looking at him. He doesn't want to dance in front of them, but he has to. If they hire him there'll be lots of people watching him dance later. 

"Do you have any inhibitions about being naked? It's required here, but there are other clubs that don't expect that."

Tommy smiles. "No. I'm a bit iffy about dancing, though, but I've been practicing, and I'm willing to learn more."

Raja reaches out, takes hold of his chin, and turns his head from side to side. "Show me your ID, please," she says softly, not letting go. 

He blindly finds his wallet, and digs his ID out of it. "Here."

Raja takes a step back, releasing him, and checks his age, then gives the card back to him. "Oh... I like this. You look virgin-young, and this is your first time, yet you have enough years behind you to know who you are. You should milk it as long as it lasts. The customers will see that you haven't done this before, and it's alluring to them. They'll give you more for the first times. And if you can keep it up, make it new every time, they'll continue to believe that you're a blushing first timer. If you're afraid to perform use it to your advantage. That'll help you look like you need encouragement, and they'll give you that. Just don't overplay it."

Tommy nods, grateful for the advice. It's the best he's gotten so far, and he decides to do just that. "Thank you."

"Now..." She looks at him for a moment. "Please take your clothes off. I need to see that you're up to our standards." She sounds a little apologetic, and not intrusive, and it makes Tommy breathe a little easier. In two of the previous auditions they asked him to strip before his performance so he wouldn't be wasting any of their time. He accepts that, and starts by taking off his shoes and jacket, then his T-shirt and socks, and finally his pants and briefs. He doesn't hesitate at all, and the smile on Raja's face is a reward for that. 

"Good," Raja says, soft and coaxing. "Please, turn around."

He does, trying to move with grace, but he's not like the girl who guided him here. It's not in his blood. 

"You're a little awkward, but it's not necessarily a bad thing. If you can create something around it I think you can be gorgeous up there." Raja makes a pleased sound, then asks him to turn around again. "We have both male and female customers. Do you have any problem with that?"

"It's okay. I don't mind." He doesn't know what to do with his hands, and he wants to cross his arms over his chest, but this is about being on display. He bites his lower lip instead. 

"The customers can also touch the dancers, except the genitals of course. But you can move with your own pace, and if you don't want to be touched for the first few times it's okay." Raja smiles. "And I love your tattoos. Those will attract attention, and people will want to touch them. It's good money."

Tommy nods, noticing that the people all around the club are moving closer to the stage now. They are not ogling at his naked body, but he gets a few interested looks that aren't shy at all. He fights the blush, the need to hide his dick, and just stands there, counting to ten very slowly. 

"Also, it's preferable that you get yourself semi-hard before the show, and by the end of the third song we want you completely naked. Sasha will take you backstage now, and she'll put your music on, too."

"Okay. Thank you." Tommy pulls his briefs on, grabs his stuff, and follows Sasha to the changing room.

He's chosen as his first song Depeche Mode's _Policy of Truth_ , and his costume is his devil boy outfit with actual horns. He could wear the clothes in a club or a gig; they match his flashiest style choices, but they are made for stripping: easy to take off. 

When his music starts he walks to the stage, and starts the routine, his heart beating fast, blood rushing in his ears. He's glad he's practiced this a lot because suddenly his mind is completely blank and all he can do is rely on body memory. 

By the end of the song, he's shirtless, and the guys and girls around the stage are cheering. He smiles to them, feeling a little shaky on his feet, but it's all good. The adrenaline rush makes this a little easier for him. 

His second song is Prince's _Cream_ , and that one takes him to the floor, makes him writhe, his mouth open. He walks on his knees to one of the workers of the club, and the guy makes a show of giving him some money but of course he doesn't. It still makes Tommy arch his back, his palms flat against the floor, his body thrusting up. 

That gives him a little more courage, and for the rest of the routine he's less stiff, less afraid, and when the third and last song starts he's on his hands and knees only his briefs still on. The song is Nine Inch Nails's _Closer_. He knows it's a cliche, but it's still the one song that is pure sex to him. He moves as suggestively as he can, concentrating on being whatever they want of him. He looks people in the eyes, plays, makes it clear this is where he wants to be, this is what he wants to be doing right now with the person to whom he gives his full attention at any given moment, and when the song is almost over, he gets rid of his last garment, his boots the only thing still covering his skin. 

Right at that moment, Adam walks in and stops, their eyes locking, and then Adam's eyes move lower, his smile growing wider. Tommy wants to cover himself, but instead he ends the dance the way he was supposed to end it.

Raja claps, and then everyone joins in, their smiles making Tommy feel like he didn't totally screw up. He keeps his hands to his sides even though Adam is still staring. Tommy concentrates on Raja. 

"You were not bad at all, petal," she says, giving him her hand so he can walk down the stairs, supported. He feels a bit silly in just his boots, but these people are used to nakedness. 

Once he's off the stage, he puts his briefs on while Raja finds her notebook. 

"I really like you. There's something fresh about you, something we haven't seen before. You clearly need to practice the dancing part, but everything else fits. Is it okay if I inform you tomorrow if we want to hire you?" 

"Yes. Thank you. I'm so glad you're even considering me." He is flabbergasted actually. This is the best place in town, and it's possible they want him, a total rookie. 

Raja looks at him for a moment, then touches his cheek. "You're gorgeous. You should know that." 

He can't help but smile. 

When he's about to leave Adam walks up to him and leads the way out. "I'm glad you decided to try this. You'll like it here."

"Thanks."

Adam is quiet for a moment, then says, "I'm sorry about... the first time we met. I didn't mean to be such a jerk. My ex skinned me alive, and I swore I'd never do anything with coworkers again. Sorry."

Tommy glances at Adam, not sure how to react. "It's fine. I'm not into... I don't want anything either." He's had a few one night stands with guys, but otherwise he prefers dating girls. 

"Good. I'm glad. I hope you get the job." Adam leaves him with a wave and a smile, and Tommy stares at his back for a moment. He hopes Adam doesn't create problems for him if he gets the job. He doesn't want someone else's emotional baggage in his life right now. 

The next twenty-eight hours are the most angst-filled he can remember having in years. He wants this job, and it's actually ridiculous because it's just stripping, just another club, except it isn't. He can't forget the faces, can't forget the way Raja spoke to him, can't forget how it felt to be on that stage when he was totally relaxed. He wants to try it in front of a live audience. He wants to see if he can do this, if he can become Daimon, the demon boy. 

He tries to play the guitar, tries to sleep a bit too, eats whatever Mike has left in the fridge before going to Mexico, watches TV, reads, calls his sister (and tells her nothing), and even smokes one of Mia's cigarettes, coughing his way through it. He's just too damn wired to do anything. Then when he finally gets the call he's ready to agree to anything. _Just give me the god damn job!_

"Tommy, I have good news for you," Raja says after hellos, and Tommy paces the room, a huge grin forming on his face. "We're hiring you. Can you start tonight?"

"Yes. Yes, I can. Oh my god, this is good. Thank you."

Raja laughs. "You're welcome. And come early... Six would be good. We open at nine."

He gets ready, showering and shaving again, putting on some makeup, and choosing his clothes carefully. He wants to look good on his first day. When it's time to leave he has two bags with him, and he's so jittery he drops his keys twice before managing to step out of the door.

At the club, Raja takes him to the backroom to sign the contract, and then they talk about the details of the job, like the fact that he can't arrange private meetings with the customers in the club, that a certain percentage of his tips go to the club and the club actually pays him, too. Not all clubs do, most charge money from the dancers, but Naked Spirit works a bit differently. He also gets a mentor, a person who's been there long enough to show him the ropes.

Raja shows him around, takes him to the private rooms where the lap dances happen, introduces him to some of his coworkers, and then Raja asks him to change into his stage briefs because it's time for him to practice some moves. He takes off his clothes, feeling a little overwhelmed by the life change, and then he's totally shocked when Adam walks in, dressed in nothing but a sexy black thong. 

"Raja asked me to be your mentor," Adam says, smiling. 

Tommy just stares at him, then looks at Raja who ushers them out of the dressing rooms, and takes them to one of the private rooms. "This is how you'll be earning most of your cash so you should practice. He's the top earner of the club so listen to him. He'll also help you with the dance moves."

He stands there, helpless, looking at the chair in the mirrored room. 

"Do you want to show me what you can do?" Adam asks, his tone warm. 

"I haven't practiced with anyone, only with an empty chair." 

"That's fine." Adam sits down. "Come here."

Tommy goes to him, and Adam brushes his arms with his hands. "The customer can touch you only when you initiate the contact. You choose the pace, the moves, and you make the customer want more. You make the last thirty seconds of the song count, make it so good they want more. Do what you've done at home."

He hesitates for a moment, his hands shaking, his heart a steady drumbeat in his chest. He swallows, waiting for Raja to put the music on, and then he starts to move, turning his back to Adam, crouching down, then bringing his ass up, slow. He shakes it a few times from side to side, sliding his hands over his skin. He's thinking about Adam's eyes on him, and that makes him burn a little, makes him think about their first meeting, the way time seemed to cease to exist. 

Tommy walks up to Adam, passes him, and brushes his hand through his hair at the nape of his neck, and now he's improvising completely. He lets his hands slide down Adam's naked chest, leaning close, almost touching his ear with his lips, and he loves the small hitch of Adam's breath.

Then he moves in front of Adam again, rolls his hips a few times, and squats, looking into Adam's eyes, taking in the intense connection between them. He crawls on all fours closer to Adam, takes hold of his knees and spreads his legs, moving between his thighs and climbing up Adam's body, his fingers finding Adam's hair. He moves so close they are almost kissing, and he stays there for a few moments, feeling the longing, the need. It's good, and he loses himself to the music a little, his mind letting go. He turns around in Adam's lap, leans back, his head resting against Adam's shoulder, and he rolls his hips again, slow, rhythmic little fucks, and he pulls Adam's hands onto his stomach, spreading his palms there. Adam's hands are warm, soft and gentle, but Tommy can feel the undercurrent of power too, strength that wants to guide his movements. He's panting, they both are, and Tommy gets a little hard. Adam is already there, his hard on pressing against Tommy's ass. Then the rhythm of the song changes to a faster one, and he shakes his ass, rubs himself against Adam, harder, faster, more promising, and Adam holds onto his waist, keeping him there. 

When the song ends he's breathless. He tries not to be so obvious, but he can't hide anything without his clothes.

"That was good," Raja says. "Very good. You probably need to control your reactions a little but not too much. It's good that it's genuine. Keep practicing for a while and then go through the stage routine." 

After Raja leaves Tommy gets up, embarrassed and blushing and kind of mortified. He's getting off on this, and it should be work. He should be a professional.

"Don't be embarrassed," Adam says, leaning his elbows against his knees. "Happens to everyone with the right kind of person. You'll get used to it, and with customers it won't happen eight out of ten times."

"Has it ever been so intense you've come?" He has to ask. 

Adam laughs. "Most of my customers are women, so no. But I expect most of yours will be men. At least if I were you that would be my target audience."

"Do you have any suggestions? Anything I should change?"

"When you come to sit in the lap keep teasing longer. Come here." Adam extends his hand, and he takes it without thinking, letting Adam pull him closer. Adam turns him around, grabs his waist, and sits him down, but only so that they are barely touching. "Stay here longer. It will be hard for your thigh muscles, but it'll keep him wanting more." 

Tommy rolls his hips experimentally, and Adam holds him in a way that he can guide his movements. Tommy doesn't know what to do with his hands so he puts them on top of Adam's hands, and listens to the small shifts in pace and how big Adam wants the movement to be. 

"Then move lower and lean back, just like you did." Adam pats his waist to tell him to get up, and he does, turning around. "Also, you might want to add more face to face action. You have a very pretty face so the customer wants to see that, wants to see you open your mouth, wants to see that sultry look on your face so give it to them." Adam motions him to come over again, and he follows, sitting in Adam's lap, his legs straddling Adam's hips. "They're all going to think about fucking you so you move like they already are. They'll want to touch you, and you don't have to let them, but if you do, hold onto their hands, show them where to put them."

Tommy takes Adam's hands, and puts them on his ass, waits for Adam to grab him, and then he starts to move, his hands on Adam's shoulders, Adam's eyes on his. He's slow and deliberate, trying to get a reaction out of Adam. 

"You want to keep this part short, though because you don't want the customer to get carried away. And if that happens there's a panic button right there, and Ralph stands outside the doors guiding out anyone who doesn't behave. Also, when you leave the club stay safe. Take the number of the taxi and the name of the driver, and tell a friend when you're leaving and with whom. We often leave together, too. This is not as important for us than it is for the girls, but you... you're a little different. So be careful." Adam helps him off his lap, then adds, "Remember that with a woman you should be a bit more dominant, but never force yourself on them. And they'll be giggling so you just have to push through that."

Tommy nods, liking the way Adam shares his knowledge, giving everything away freely.

Adam takes him to the stage next to practice some of his dance moves. He gives Tommy's CD to someone Tommy hasn't met yet and asks Tommy to do his routine. Tommy does, aware of Adam's eyes on him, and he's even stiffer than usual. Adam stops the music with a wave of his hand, and goes to Tommy. "Do you know why Raja hired you?" 

Tommy looks at Adam, panicking a little. "Because of the way I look?"

"There are lots of people who've thought they can be strippers just because they are good-looking. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. You can look like an angel, and still you won't get tips and people don't want to see you dance. She hired you because you have that something. It's a mix of charisma and sensuality, and of course courage to do this. You have that. But you also have a block here," Adam presses his finger against Tommy's temple, "You think too much about how you look when all you need to do is move." Adam motions the guy to start the music again, and then he moves behind Tommy and pulls him against his chest, his thigh between Tommy's legs. "Move with me. Just move, don't think." The words are whispered in his ear, and Tommy closes his eyes, feels the music, and tries to let go. Adam's hands are on his thighs, guiding him, and Adam is pure lust, how he moves, how he makes Tommy move, like it's easy, fire and sweat and feverish hunger, and Adam controls it all. 

Adam won't let him go until he stops fighting it. Once he finally lets go, relaxes enough to let his body follow Adam without any restraint, Adam says, "Good. Now try it again." 

He feels the loss of contact, misses Adam's heat, and he blinks a few times to recover from that. He's wanted people before, but it's never been this intense. The intensity has come later, during sex, but never like this, never like how it was when they first met. He's barely breathing when he starts his dance, but it's still easier than the first time. Adam doesn't stop him, just gives him a few tips on how to move his hands or when to go down on his knees or which dance moves to combine. When he's on his hands and knees, thrusting down like he's fucking someone, Adam comes to him and grabs his waist. "You keep yourself too stiff," Adam says, placing his palm on Tommy's lower back. "Try moving just your hips, not your entire body." 

He tries to do that, but it's not working, and he groans in frustration, letting himself fall on the floor.

Adam laughs. "Don't give up. If you don't go to strip clubs you don't get to see this too often. Look at me." Adam crawls next to Tommy on all fours, then goes down, moves his hips like the pro he is, and Tommy can't stop staring. He wants to know how it would feel, how Adam would feel. 

"Show me," he says, lying on his stomach, his voice rough, and Adam turns to look at him. Something flashes between them, and Tommy opens his mouth to say something, but there are no words. Adam slides his hand down his back, and Tommy arches under the touch involuntarily. Then Adam is on top of him, pulling his hips up, and they are moving together, sensual little rolls, and Tommy isn't breathing, isn't aware of anything but Adam's body pressing against his. "You do this, and they all want to enter you," Adam whispers in his hair, and he bites back the moan, holds it in. He's so fucking turned on he can't even see. 

Adam rolls off him, puts an arm over his face, and breathes deep. Tommy hides his face too because it's just unbelievable. 

"This is enough, don't you think?" Adam says after a while. "You'll do great on your first night."

Tommy nods even though Adam isn't looking at him. He hopes he won't fall off the stage; otherwise he'll at least survive. 

 

TBC...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lovely [Stitch-84](http://stitch-84.tumblr.com/) drew this for me:  
> 


	2. Stars In My Black and Blue Sky

His first time is exactly like first times usually are: messy, nerve-wrecking, and exciting as hell. Raja was right; people give him lots of attention because they see how nervous he is, how utterly new this is to him, and when they do he melts a little. He moves for them, and he sees faces that could belong to anyone, could be his friends, friends' dads, his waitress from the restaurant he frequently visits. They don't seem scary, and because they are strangers it's somehow easier. They are not there to judge him. They are there to enjoy his body and what he can do with it. It's not much, but it seems to be enough, and when it's over he collects his tips and hides them in his little money box. 

When he gets backstage Adam is there, and before he knows it he's being hugged. "You were good. Congrats!" 

He snorts. "I messed up half of my steps, and I got tangled in my shirt." 

Adam pushes him to an arm's length. "But when it counted you pulled it through. They loved you." Adam lets go of him. "Clean yourself up, and go offer private dances. They are waiting. Don't let them forget about you."

Tommy smiles because Adam is genuinely happy for him, and he just can't get over the fact that they are talking about this like it's a good gig. He's going to go out there and offer his ass for these people, and he's maybe not selling it, but he's still going to sit in their laps and pretend like he is. Yet, Adam makes him feel good about it. That's the funny part, that and the fact that he wants Adam to hug him again. He turns around, opens his locker, and pushes his money box there, then finds his bag and digs out the wipes, cleaning his armpits and then his back, arms, chest, stomach and thighs. It's quick and easy, and he's good as new in no time. He dresses in a new pair of briefs and a see-through shirt with a leather harness over it, and then he smiles at Adam who's been staring at him from a distance. He wants to ask if Adam likes what he sees, but he doesn't dare. It's a weird situation, what they have, and he knows he has to be careful with it.

"Be seductive," Adam tells him, and takes a few steps closer. "And a little coy because it's your thing. All of the guys will be bigger than you, and most of them want you because you're smaller. Take advantage of that."

He nods, looking at Adam, and time stands still again. It can't be real because people don't affect him in this way. They don't steal his ability to move or think. Adam does. Adam makes him want to wait for a word or a touch that tells him what is needed of him. His body follows Adam, willing and hopeful. 

"Go," Adam says softly, like he wants to break the spell, but not scare Tommy away. It's a strange mix, and for a moment, Tommy just continues to stare. "Can you do it?" Adam asks then, seeing his hesitation and maybe interpreting it wrong. "Want to try your charm on me first?"

He swallows. He shouldn't, but he's not thinking anymore. He takes a step closer, takes hold of Adam's shoulder, and looks him in the eyes. "Hi there, would you like to see me dance only for you?"

Adam laughs, then turns him around and pushes him towards the door. "You're ready. Go get them, tiger."

Tommy goes, finding his first prey in less than five minutes. His heart is pounding in his chest when he takes the guy to one of the backrooms, and then the guy is sitting and his music is playing, and he only thinks about Adam sitting there. It's not easy. The guy is completely different from Adam, and even though he knows he's not supposed to touch Tommy he still does, these small, feather-light, accidental touches that drive Tommy mad, and he wants to leave. He doesn't initiate contact, and when the song is over he gets up, and hopes the guy doesn't want more. 

"You're gorgeous," the guy says. "What's your name?"

"Daimon," he says, using his softest tone even though he wants to bite the guy's head off. 

"Your real name, honey?" The guy is wearing a suit, and he looks like he goes to the gym every day. There's something annoying but not dangerous about him, and Tommy just wants this moment to end. 

"That's as real as it gets," he says, still sounding polite even though he's trying harder than ever not to be an ass. He doesn't want to lose a customer on his first day. He's just a bit miffed that he wasn't better at detecting a bad personality. He needs to pay more attention to how the guys act before he offers them anything. It's a good lesson to learn. 

"Dance for me again, and please take off that shirt." The guy leans back in his chair, and there's a challenge in his eyes, like he knows Tommy is feeling uncomfortable. 

He makes the decision to continue because the guy isn't dangerous, just strange and annoying, so he removes his shirt, asks for the money for another dance, and then goes to put his music on. He changes the routine just a little bit, shortening the beginning and adding more of the actual dance in the guy's lap, and this time the guy keeps his hands to himself. It's better, and towards the end, he doesn't feel so angry anymore. He's sitting face to face with the guy when the song ends, and when he's about to get up, the guy grabs the back of his neck, and pulls him close. "Wanna continue this somewhere later? I'd pay good money."

That's a rush of cold water down his back, and he pushes at the guy, gets himself free, and tries to find his footing. "We don't do that here," he says, more humiliated than anything, barely able to get words out of his mouth. "I'm... Yeah... Just go." 

The guy smiles, genuine this time. "Good. I'm glad I don't have to arrest you. That was a nice dance. Thank you." 

When the guy is gone the words finally sink in. His first customer was a cop? He really needs to learn to read people better. He also wonders why the guy revealed himself. He didn't have to. Maybe he just didn't want to leave the impression that he's a total jerk.

Tommy stays in the room for a while, trying to gather his wits, steadying his breathing. He's more shocked and thrown off-kilter than he thought just moments ago. He actually wants to go home right now. Instead he finds Adam who's backstage, preparing for his performance. 

"What is it?" Adam asks, concern in his eyes. 

"I'm... I can't do this." 

Adam takes his hand and sits him down on the bench, crouching in front of him. "You don't have to. But I think you can. I think you have fun up there."

He had fun until now. "I met a cop."

Adam looks shocked. "Are you sure?"

No, he's not sure. He doesn't know anything, but the idea of someone trying to find out if he'd sell himself in a strip club makes him feel something... something awful. He doesn't want to follow that feeling any deeper, doesn't want to know it personally. "He wanted to buy my ass. And when I told him to get out he said he was glad he didn't have to arrest me."

Adam puts his hand on Tommy's knee. "I can't talk right now because I have to go on stage in five minutes. If you want to watch you can go to a balcony through that door." Adam points at a door behind himself. "We go there sometimes if we want to see others perform."

He nods even though he doesn't feel like doing anything. Watching Adam dance might distract him enough to make him regain his sense of control of things. 

Before he knows it Adam pulls him up and pushes him towards the door. "You'll be no good out there right now. Go. I'll be here when I'm finished." He goes, up the stairs that are behind the door, through a curtain that separates the small balcony from the rest of the world, and then he waits. When Adam's music starts his heart skips a beat. It's Queen's Under Pressure. It's a weird song for stripping, but somehow Adam pulls it off, expressing the song too while taking off his clothes. Tommy is impressed, and he can't stop staring. Adam moves like he knows exactly what affects people, what makes them want him even more. And Tommy wants more. 

After it's over he goes down the stairs, and because they are so steep he takes one step at a time on his butt. He remembers stairs like these from his grandmother's cottage, leading to the attic. When he finally reaches the dressing room Adam is already there, naked and cleaning himself up. Tommy sits on the second to last stair and just stares, feeling like a creep. "Are you sure about that rule of yours?" He can't believe he said that out loud.

Adam stops wiping himself clean, and turns around. He hasn't put anything on, and Tommy guesses he's not even aware he's naked. "We need to talk," Adam says quietly. "We should've talked yesterday."

Tommy nods because he can't do much else. Adam is turning his offer down, and he hasn't yet even figured out everything that he's offering. A quick blow job? His ass? Something more? It doesn't matter because Adam is looking at him like he regrets the day he met Tommy outside Naked Spirit.

"There's a diner a few blocks away that's open twenty-four/seven. Wanna go there after work?"

At this point, should he accept crumbs? He has no idea what needs to be said. Adam doesn't want to consider this, take a chance, try the game. Tommy feels humiliated, and it doesn't help that he's not wearing much, and Adam is standing in all his glory a few feet away. "Yeah, whatever." He doesn't dare to get up because he can't be sure his feet would carry him so he just glares at Adam's toes and breathes. 

"Don't."

"What?" He doesn't look up. 

"Don't be like that."

He shrugs. He doesn't know Adam enough to tell what he means, and Adam doesn't know him enough to say anything about his behavior. 

"You think I'm turning you down," Adam explains like he's reading Tommy's mind. 

"Well, aren't you?" As if he needs that rubbed into his face. 

Adam groans. "There's so much you don't know."

"Aren't you supposed to go out there and offer dances? They'll forget your face if you don't go quickly." Tommy knows it's bullshit. Adam is the star of the club; everyone knows him. He has more regulars than Tommy could ever even imagine.

"Just hear me out, please. See me after work." Adam has just realized he's not wearing anything because instead of taking a step forward like he clearly means to he takes two back, picks up his briefs, and puts them on. "I feel this too, okay," Adam says quietly. "But it's not gonna last. It'll go away. These things do."

”Okay, I’ll go out with you,” Tommy finally says, annoyed that Adam can dismiss what’s between them so damn easily. He leaves Adam when his legs are able to carry him again, and finds Raja and asks for something to do because right now he's useless, locked in the ideas of this being something he can't do. Raja asks him if he can wear heels, and he says he can try, and soon he's carrying a box full of different kinds of condoms, selling them to the customers. He can't even count how many times someone squeezes his ass, and two people even try to kiss him because "his lips are sin". What the fuck does that even mean? 

He's exhausted when it's over, and his feet are hurting, and he doesn't want to talk about anything. He thinks about leaving permanently, not coming back at all, not to Adam, not to these people, not to the club, but it has been good money even though he didn't do more of the private dances. He's supposed to bring his money box to Raja for counting, and the fact that she trusts them not to take anything out of them makes him feel a bit better. He gives his to her after counting the money, and maybe he's being too careful, but he just wants to know. 

At the end of the day he has three hundred dollars in his hand, and Raja took exactly what she said she would take. She also gave him a percentage of the condom sales which is not much, but it's a nice gesture. 

So maybe he's not leaving, maybe he'll wait at the door for Adam to get ready, maybe he'll listen to Adam's story.

It's four in the morning when they walk down the street towards the lights of the diner. They don't say anything to each other, but the silence is not uncomfortable, just silence that stretches beyond thoughts. 

Inside the diner, Adam orders them coffee and pancakes after asking Tommy if it's fine. He really doesn't care so he only shrugs. 

"You did fine on your first day," Adam says finally after their food and drinks arrive. 

He doesn't agree, but it doesn't matter. He's here to listen to Adam's story. He's not interested in small talk so he stays quiet, waiting, drinking his coffee and wondering if he'll sleep at all after he gets out of here. 

"Don't scowl." Adam smiles. "Gives you wrinkles."

This time he can't help the smile, but he tries to hide it behind his cup. 

"My ex was a dancer in the previous club where I worked," Adam says after a while. "I had to leave because of everything that happened."

He leans back in his seat, giving Adam room to talk. 

"We were together for almost two years, and during that time he had multiple other relationships, and it was always the same. He needed money. He had health problems. And we all took care of him, not knowing anything about each other. Do you know how awful it is to trust someone, to be a trusting person, and then someone abuses that trust completely? Everyone loved him, and he used us. He was a manipulative bastard who made me feel like it was all my fault. He blamed me for leaving him while he was oh, so sick, and he spread that at the workplace, too, and everyone turned against me. So no, I'm never ever in a million years going to have a relationship with someone I work with. I don't care if you're the coolest person on this planet, but you're not going to have that kind of power over me. Sorry." 

Tommy stares at Adam because whoa, issues. He just wanted to have sex. It's not that deep. "Okay," he says, and knows it's not what Adam expected. 

"Okay?" 

"Yeah, I'm not going to follow you around, and try to make you do something you don't want. Sex is sex. You can get it anywhere." Which is a complete lie because Tommy isn't the type to offer, ever. He goes along when someone makes it clear they are interested, but he doesn't initiate it. Maybe it is the fear of rejection. He's pissed right now so he can't really think straight.

"I've offended you," Adam says carefully, like he's thinking out loud. 

_Well, yes the fuck you have!_ he wants to scream, but instead he shrugs again. He probably seems indifferent, at least he hopes he does. 

"I think you're gorgeous, and the chemistry between us is something I've never experienced before, but even if we weren't coworkers I probably would walk away. It's been two months since it all blew up in my face. He left nothing intact. I'm sorry. I can't. Sorry."

The apologies make it even worse. He feels like a douche for not giving Adam some slack, for not taking the comforting route, for not being all understanding and forgiving. "It's okay, really." He looks up, looks at Adam's serious face and then adds because he just can't shut up, "Will it go away? I've never experienced it either. I don't know. We can't just ignore each other if you're my mentor, and Raja told me that they have plans for group shows, too. So you think you can go on that stage with me?"

Adam groans, hiding his face in his hands. 

"Yeah, thought so."

"What do you suggest then?"

He wants to laugh. He has no idea. The best thing for both of them would probably be that he left the club, went somewhere else, but he trusts Raja, and the other dancers are nice, not catty at all. "You tell me."

"Sex with no strings attached?" 

"That's what I was offering. You said no. Are you saying yes now?" He's not sure if he's interested anymore, though. His ego is kind of hurt. 

Adam drops his hands on the table, looking at Tommy. "I don't know."

"Well... That makes this a little difficult." He tilts his head to the side, pursing his lips. "Want to go to the bathroom?" What the hell is wrong with him? He's not even drunk. 

There's interest and shock and fear in Adam's eyes when the question becomes clear in his mind. "My place is not far," Adam says then, and Tommy can't believe they are talking about this so casually. He's never negotiated about sex. It's always just happened. 

"I'm game," he says before he can back down on the offer. He touches Adam's calf with his own under the table, and Adam jumps, but doesn't pull away. "Take me to your place."

Adam gets up, leaves enough money on the table, and then walks out of the door, clearly expecting Tommy to follow him. He does, his heart beating in his throat, his palms getting sweaty. He doesn't even know if it will be good. He's not sure how far he wants to go. He doesn't know Adam. 

Yet, he follows. 

Adam's apartment is a spacious studio with a balcony. The kitchen is on the left, his bed at the far end of the room, and the living room area is just behind a corner on the right. It also has a walk-in closet and a bathroom with a tub. Tommy can't help being a little envious of the home Adam has created for himself since he has nothing at all except his guitars and clothes. He feels inferior next to Adam in more ways than one, and all of a sudden all his earlier bravado is gone. He's shy, hiding his hands in the pockets of his hoodie, trying not to trip over the microphone cords that are covering the floor close to Adam's couch. "You sing?" he asks to hide how much this affects him. 

"Yeah. I do that in the club sometimes too. We have theme parties where we invite VIP people. And I have friends who come up with all kinds of crazy ideas so I've performed a lot. Nothing major, though." Adam takes off his jacket, and throws it on the back of the couch. 

Without realizing, Tommy backs away, then stops because that's ridiculous. He's here for a reason, and that reason can be seen in Adam's eyes right the fuck now. He feels like a rabbit caught in a snare. 

"Nervous?" Adam asks, then walks past Tommy to his stereo system. He has massive speakers, and Tommy wonders what kind of music Adam likes. 

"Just feeling out the ground. New situation," he says, trying to sound light but it comes off as weak. 

Adam laughs. "We can just talk. Do you want anything to drink?" 

The song that comes out of the speakers is Depeche Mode's Personal Jesus, and it makes Tommy breathe a little easier. "Yeah, please."

Adam goes to the fridge, and takes out two bottles of breezers. It's pink grapefruit, and Tommy wants to snort. He's drinking something pink in Adam's studio apartment before having sex with the guy, and his mind isn't able to wrap itself around that fact. He wonders just how he managed to get himself into this situation. 

They stand opposite each other close to Adam's couch, and there's absolutely nothing to talk about. Then Adam takes hold of his chin, tilts his head back, and kisses him. Tommy is clutching the neck of his bottle, his other hand grabbing Adam's arm, and then it's nothing but a wave after wave of shocking desire. His knees want to buckle, and his hold on Adam's bicep hardens because he wants to stay on his feet. 

Adam lets go of his chin, and grabs his neck instead, his fingers spreading, the hold so strong it feels like control. His heart is pounding in his chest, and Adam's tongue in his mouth is demanding as hell. All he can do is take it, let Adam have it, and he moans against Adam's mouth, so turned on he's not sure he can hold onto the bottle. He pulls back, wiping his mouth, and then taking a sip from his drink, staring at Adam. It felt good, and he wants more, but at the same time, he wants to know what's going to happen. "I haven't done this for a while," comes out of his mouth, and he wants the floor to swallow him. "I'm guessing you like to top."

Adam smiles a slow sly smile that makes Tommy's heartbeats quicken. "I like it very much."

"You want to fuck me?"

"Yes." 

"I'm not doing anything without protection." He looks at Adam in the eyes, challenging. 

"I wouldn't even dream of it otherwise," Adam says quietly. 

He swallows, his final excuse out of the way.

They just stare at each other, and then Adam reaches out, touches the side of his face and it's such a gentle gesture Tommy closes his eyes to find balance again.

When Adam leans in he’s expecting it, but what he does is unexpected. Adam bites his jaw, then licks his ear, pulls the lobe into his mouth, and Tommy grabs the front of Adam’s shirt. “Fuck,” he breathes out, trembling. 

“You under me on that stage,” Adam whispers. “I can’t stop thinking about it. The way you sounded, the way you moved with me. Am I imagine it? Do you want to surrender to me?”

He seeks contact, kisses Adam’s neck, and fucking nods. 

Adam takes a handful of his hair and pulls, testing, forcing him to give in, to go down. He opens his mouth, breaths so shallow no sound comes out. He’s rock-hard, and when Adam’s grip on his hair changes, becomes more aggressive, all he can do is follow it. He’s on his knees before he knows it, looking up, waiting, aware of Adam only. 

Adam places his bottle against Tommy’s cheek, and the cold, wet surface feels intoxicating. He inhales, and the smile that spreads on Adam’s face makes him want more. He sighs, closing his eyes briefly, but when Adam’s hold tightens he opens them. _Do something with me,_ he wants to say, but doesn’t because Adam is not hesitating. He’s savoring the moment. 

“Put your bottle down, please,” Adam says quietly. “And put mine next to it.”

He does that, and the second Adam’s hand is free, he’s tracing Tommy’s lips with his fingers. “God, your mouth.” 

Tommy lets the tip of his tongue touch Adam’s fingers because he wants so badly to touch. 

“Do you like it rough?” Adam asks, pulling Tommy’s lower lip down, and then pressing his finger on top of Tommy’s tongue. 

He doesn’t know what to say, how to say it. 

“A little maybe?”

And Adam’s words melt him, make his eyelids heavy, make him want. 

“Yeah, a little. That sounds good.” Adam puts two of his fingers inside Tommy’s mouth, and he sucks them, spreads them with his tongue, and it’s Adam’s turn to shiver. “I... Whoa,” Adam whispers, pulling Tommy closer to his crotch, and it’s a perfect idea. He wants that, wants so bad. 

“Do I need a condom for this too?” Adam asks, looking down at Tommy, and he nods, appreciating the fact that Adam can still think. “Wait then.” 

Adam leaves, and it gives Tommy time to think about this. He doesn’t want to. He wants to feel, and Adam is making him do exactly that. 

When Adam returns he pets Tommy’s hair, gentle at first and then the harsh grip is back, and he goes lax in the hold. Adam lets out a quiet sound that’s a little rough around the edges. Tommy loves it, bleeds for sounds like that. He waits. 

“I want to tie you to the bed. I won’t, don’t worry, but I want to.” Adam’s voice is soft, but he’s not touching Tommy, except where his fingers are digging into his scalp. “I’ll hold you down, though. Will you mind?”

Tommy looks into Adam’s eyes and smiles. A million times no. 

Adam laughs, bright and easy, and there’s something cherishing there too, and Tommy wonders if Adam’s ex ever appreciated this. 

He’s so ready to have Adam pushing him face down to the mattress. 

“Open my pants, baby,” Adam says, touching Tommy’s jaw, coaxing his face up while forcing it to do so, and those two different touches have him breathless in seconds. 

He reaches out, starts with the belt, then the button, and finally the zipper. Adam is hard and leaking, and Tommy can smell him. He wants to press his face against Adam, and when Adam loosens his hold he does that, breathing in, nosing Adam through his briefs. 

“God, fuck...” Adam says, thrusting his hips forward, his hand at the back of Tommy’s neck pulling him towards him, and yeah, he wants this. He wants that cock in his mouth, and he’s practically begging for it. 

“Please,” he says, licking Adam through the briefs. “Please.”

Adam pushes at his pants and briefs with one hand while still holding Tommy close, and Tommy helps him, moving his whole body in a slow rhythm, wanting so bad he can’t control himself. 

When Adam’s cock is free it’s both shocking and the most perfect thing in the world, and Tommy almost licks it, but Adam pulls him back. “No,” Adam says. “Put this on.”

Adam has torn the condom packet, and he takes it out, grabs the base of Adam’s cock, places the condom over the head, squeezes the air out of it and rolls it on its place with his mouth and hand. Adam shakes on his feet, and Tommy loves it, loves the tremor that goes through him, loves the hand in his hair, loves when Adam holds him there, doesn’t let him pull back, and then Adam starts moving, fucking into his mouth, and there’s nothing he’d rather be doing. 

Tommy moans and it’s half-pain, half-pleasure because Adam is holding him too hard, because it hurts, because it cracks his spine and makes him whine, makes him want it even more. 

“I can’t last long,” Adam whispers. “You should see your mouth, stretched around me, taking it.”

His jaw hurts already, and he doesn’t even feel his knees anymore, but it doesn’t matter. This, this is what he wanted when he offered himself to Adam. Both of Adam’s hands are in his hair now, and he moves exactly like Adam wants him to move. It’s not hard because even though Adam is forceful he’s not unaware of what he’s doing. He knows how to do this. He knows how to take without making it feel like taking. Tommy relaxes his jaw, swallowing when Adam pushes in, and Adam hits the back of his throat. The need to breathe is overwhelming and he’s not getting enough air through his nose, but he would stop this for nothing. 

“Oh my...” Adam’s whole body starts to shake, and Tommy takes hold of his hips because he wants contact. He wants to touch and be touched. Adam lets out a deep groan, and then he’s coming, and Tommy regrets that he can’t feel all of it, can’t swallow, can’t taste Adam. 

After a while, Adam pulls back, takes the condom off, and then helps Tommy up. “Your mouth... Jesus.”

He has to lean against Adam because his legs are dead, but Adam’s arms around him are familiar already, and it feels good, easy. “I love the way you do this,” he says after his jaw feels normal again. His throat is a bit rough, but otherwise everything is fine. 

Adam pulls him closer, puts his arms around Tommy, and holds him there. “You fit perfectly here.”

He does. They match, and he’s glad Adam agreed to have sex with him. He can’t wait to feel Adam inside him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this turned into a chaptered story. Hopefully it requires one more and not 20 more like my chaptered stories usually do, but we'll see. I don't have the time to write. Like seriously. No time at all. Yet, I'm doing it. /o\ I hope you enjoy this story. And thank you for the lovely comments and kudos. I'll be answering them once I have the time. <3


	3. Burning Man

He has a submissive streak, but it doesn't surface with everyone. With Adam, it's in-your-face bright and screaming, and when Adam takes his hand and pulls him towards the bed he follows like a dog on a leash, his insides burning, his skin hot where Adam is touching him. He feels like he's never done this before, and maybe he hasn't. Maybe it's never been quite like this. Adam seems to know what to do with him, how to make him feel, and all of it makes him want more. He's impatient, but he tries to hide it, watches when Adam takes his clothes off - when Adam moves gracefully out of his clothes - and then he's on Tommy, pushing him back, once, twice, and he's falling down on the bed. He doesn't get a chance to say anything, to be surprised, because Adam straddles his hips, captures his hands, and bites his lower lip, then kisses him with force, pinning him to the bed. 

Adam keeps kissing Tommy until he's squirming under him, until he's making noises he can't keep in, can't hide, until he's desperately seeking for contact, friction. Only then Adam lets go of his hands and moves lower, opening the zipper of Tommy's hoodie, pushing his T-shirt up, and then Adam's tongue is all over his skin, his stomach muscles tensing under the touch. He cries out when Adam licks his nipple, then bites it gently, and Tommy tries to think what he wants to do. He doesn't want to just lie there and take it. He wants to make Adam desperate too, but then Adam blows on the wet skin, and he fucking can't control his body. 

"Fuck... What... are you doing to me?" He grabs Adam's hair, tries to stop him and ends up twisting his fist in Adam's hair because right that moment Adam bites him again and his whole body rises off the bed. 

Adam laughs, soft and teasing, and takes hold of Tommy's wrist. Tommy releases his fingers one by one, concentrating hard because something froze in his brain, and he's like a string of a guitar, stretched tight. Adam kisses his wrist when he's finally able to let go, and then puts Tommy's hand over his chest. "Just feel."

He can do that. He's good at feeling. So good. He's breathing hard now, panting, and his heart is going wild, like he's scared, and it's insane. Still, he nods. 

Tommy lets Adam undress him, lets Adam lick-kiss-bite his way down his body, his touch everywhere but where he needs it the most. It's both incredible and horrifying because Adam is pulling at his strings, breaking him into unidentifiable pieces, exposing him.

He remembers the one other person who's ever managed to make him come undone: Jean who loved him for two years and then moved to Toronto to become a lawyer. He hasn't thought of her in years, and right now his heart clenches, and he fucking panics. 

He fights his way out of Adam's hold, fights blindly, his eyes closed because he's not breathing, not getting air at all. He's one step away from a full panic attack when Adam says, "Do you trust me?" 

The words stop his frantic movements and he just lies there, listening to the blood rushing in his ears. He can feel Adam close. 

"If you do..." Adam touches his chin and when Tommy doesn't flinch he moves his hand lower on his throat. Adam doesn't squeeze, just holds his hand there, his fingers strong and warm, and Tommy can't think at all. He's nothing but the skin under Adam's hand. "If you do..." Adam strokes his side, gentle and light, like he's fragile, something wild. Then when he's still not moving away, still not panicking, Adam squeezes his throat, and it makes him sink low into himself, back inside. He doesn't relax, but he's fully awake now, interested. 

"If you do..." Adam whispers, moving closer, flipping him around, and soon he has Adam pressed against his back, his legs spread wide apart, Adam's hand still on his throat, now letting him breathe. "If you do I'll push you through it."

Some part of his mind blacks out at the words, at the feel of Adam's naked body against his own, but he lets out no sound, just waits, his hands resting by his head.

He's breathing, though.

Adam kisses his ear through his hair. "You make me want everything."

He's never been this awake, this aware of someone else. He bites his teeth together, trying to swallow, his mouth so dry it's hard. 

Adam's hands grip his hair and chin, holding him tight, locking him into place, and then Adam moves, thrusts forward, and Tommy bites his lips. "Give it to me." Adam breathes next to his cheek, quick and uneven. "I know what to do with you." 

He wants nothing more than to give in, but he can't. He's wired too tight, too afraid to show his fractured face. 

"Just... Tell me you want this, and I'll take care of the rest."

Tommy tries to nod, but Adam's hold is too tight. "Yes," he says, and he doesn't sound weak at all.

Adam laughs next to his neck, pressing his face so close it's almost uncomfortable. Still, it makes Tommy feel grounded. He can't believe Adam is laughing because just a moment ago he almost lost it, and someone else would've panicked, would've walked away. Adam came closer. Tommy knows this feeling. It means he doesn't want Adam to let go. He doesn't want this to end. 

He's starting to get sweaty under Adam, and he wonders how long Adam will hold him like this. He feels every shift of Adam's body, and it makes him want Adam to fuck him senseless. 

"Better?" Adam asks, quiet but intense, like there's a storm waiting under his serene surface, and Tommy realizes what's been happening between them. It's so fucking stupid, the way his mind works, how much it needs reigning in. 

"Yeah," he says grudgingly. 

Adam laughs again, and this time it's pure joy. "You're gorgeous."

"Fuck you," he mutters to the mattress, then wails because Adam bites his neck hard. 

"You don't have to hide from me," Adam says like it's nothing, like it's not a promise. Light. 

He pushes back, moves under Adam, turns around, and Adam lets him. He stares at Adam defiantly, and he knows he looks like a petulant child. Adam is looming over him, his hands on either side of Tommy's shoulders. "I'm not usually like this," Tommy says because he can't find better words.

"Like what?" Adam asks, soft and sensual, moving so he's straddling Tommy's hips, sitting on Tommy's cock. That is unexpected, and he just loses that thread of thought, staring at Adam with huge eyes.

"Like what, baby?" Adam repeats, then captures Tommy's nipple between his fingers, squeezing. Adam's eyes own him, and he can't look away. He bucks up because that small touch drives him crazy, and Adam doesn't stop teasing him, his nails harsh against the soft skin. "Tommy, tell me. You're not usually like... what?"

He tries to find words, but Adam's eyes are so dark and the touch is messing with his head. Adam is heavy on top of him. 

Adam twists his fingers, and it hurts. Tommy tilts his head back, holding the cry in, not letting out a sound even though his mouth is wide open. 

"You're hot," Adam says. "That's what you are right now."

He bends his knees, pressing his feet against the mattress, even though all Adam is doing is sitting on top of him and dominating him with his eyes. The touch is there, but it's nothing compared to his eyes. Still, even the touch makes Tommy shake. He stretches his hands above his head, trying to find something he can hold onto. 

"That's right," Adam says, still not touching anything but his nipple. It's throbbing now, probably screaming red, and he wants so much more. 

Then Adam starts to stroke his body with his free hand, soft light touches making Tommy move under Adam, his body loose and ready. He bites his lip, his eyes closed. _Fuck you, Adam_ , he thinks, fighting to breathe. 

"There are so many things I want to do to you," Adam says, his voice rough. And then he says, "You're trembling," like he's surprised. Adam's hand is over his chest now, the other still trying to break him, trying to make him beg. 

"Fuck, you're hurting me." And it comes out as a breath, nothing more. 

"I want to do that too," Adam whispers, and Tommy opens his eyes to see the mesmerized look on Adam's face. Adam touches Tommy's lower lip with his thumb, then spreads his mouth with it. "Want everything." 

Tommy breathes in, breathes like there can never be enough air, and then Adam turns him around, lifts him on his knees, and he's pressing his palms against the wall, surprised, excited, and a little scared, too. He bites his lip again, trying to relax, his muscles aching already. 

Adam is right behind him, licking and biting his neck and shoulders, running his hands up and down Tommy's body. "You... God... I want in you. I need... fuck."

He pushes back, hopes it's clear how much he's okay with the idea. 

Adam's hand finds his throat again, squeezes lightly, and he moans, unable to hold it in anymore. Then when he's ready to do anything to get Adam to hurry the fuck up he feels Adam's other hand on his ass, one finger teasing his hole, and he whines, maybe even begs, maybe even tries to say something, but everything has disappeared and all that is left is Adam's fingers, two pressing inside him, pushing past the tight muscle. Adam's hand on his throat squeezes in rhythm, and he fears he might come from this. He's shaking so bad now he can't control it in any way. 

"God, you're warm and tight. So warm. Feel gorgeous." Adam is breathing in his hair, kissing the side of his head between words, so close Tommy doesn't know what to think of it. "I want..."

Adam isn't thorough, too anxious to get inside him, but the two fingers feel good enough, and Tommy doesn't want to wait either. And when Adam pulls his fingers out Tommy is nothing but constant sound, breathy moans and useless words coming out of his mouth until Adam's cock head presses against his hole and he's shocked into silence. Adam pulls his hips back, pulls him close, penetrates him with short thrusts and a few frantic rolls of his hips and then he's inside, balls deep, and Tommy cries out, pushing back with his hands. 

When Adam moves it becomes even better because Adam rubs against his prostate, fucks him soft and sweet at first, and then pounds into him harder and faster when there's nothing in Tommy resisting it. He grabs Adam's thigh with one hand, resting his face against his arm that's still holding him upright, and then - lets go, lets himself feel, lets Adam hear how much he loves this. And when he needs it Adam puts his hand around his cock, squeezes almost too hard. He surprises Tommy with the other hand that cups his balls, and the stimulation is too much for his fried brain, and when he comes, he comes with a scream, his throat so tight around it he might be hoarse for weeks. 

Adam fucks him through his orgasm, pushing at his boundaries, killing a few muscles in his body, and when Adam comes he feels it deep within his body, feels the electric shock that goes through his body. And then he's lying on his stomach, Adam behind him, stroking his hair, and he's pretty sure he blacked out at some point. The realization makes him blush, but he's too exhausted to do anything about it. Adam literally fucked his feet from under him.

The hand in his hair stops, pushes his fringe off his face, and then Adam is staring at him. He doesn't say anything, though, and it's unnerving. Adam takes hold of his chin, turns his head, and kisses him, soft, tentative, and Tommy chokes. Adam pushes at all the wrong buttons inside him, and he's a tight bundle of anxious thoughts again. 

It doesn't feel like they fixed the problem.

Nothing's fixed. He only wants more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll let it be as long as it is. /o\ I'll be posting slowly until June starts because I'm busy right now, but after that 1-2 chapters a week unless they are really long. This can become long. I don't know because I only see bits and pieces from the future scenes. Looks complicated, though. :) But fun. I do hope you enjoy this! And the wonderful aislinn is the best possible beta for a writer like me. :) <3


	4. Baby, I Can Smell You On My Clothes

Tommy wakes up to a dull ache in his lower back that quickly spreads down to his thighs. The first thought in his head is: _Oh fuck, I stayed for the night,_ and he tries not to panic. He feels Adam beside him, feels the arm that's resting over his waist. He's lying on his stomach, his legs spread a little, and he wonders how he must look. They had sex two times, and didn't shower afterwards, dried sweat, come, and lube now mixing everywhere. At least the spot he's lying on feels clean. It's just his body that's nasty. 

He turns his head to see if Adam is awake. He is, and Tommy has no idea what to do. 

"Morning," Adam says after a while. There's a small smile on his face, and Tommy smiles back because he doesn't want to seem like a total asshole who can't appreciate good sex. 

Words have abandoned him, though so he just stares. 

"I think my arm is stuck to your back," Adam says with a giggle, and it breaks the ice, makes things so much easier. "I would've made coffee, but I didn't want to wake you up."

"Try lifting it," he says, turning a bit on his side, and it's true, Adam is stuck. It's hilarious, and Tommy hides his face in the crook of his arm, laughing out loud. 

It hurts when Adam slowly frees his arm, the hairs on Tommy's lower back sticky with dried come. The second time Adam fucked him he pulled out before he came, and this is why Tommy's back is now partly hairless. 

He doesn't usually stay for the night, and the two times he's been with guys he showered with them afterwards and then left with sweet kisses at the door. This is new. 

"Do you want that coffee?" Adam asks, sitting up, facing Tommy. 

"Yes, please." 

Adam looks at him for a moment longer, then slides his hand over Tommy's ass and thigh. It's so odd how much a small touch like that affects him, but Adam leaves before Tommy can react in any way. They need to talk. Again. 

He sits up on the bed, and watches Adam as he moves around the kitchenette, humming a melody Tommy doesn't know. Adam is so comfortable naked it's both odd and incredible. All the girls Tommy has been with have had some problems with their bodies, no matter how beautiful they've been, and he himself has had all the issues slender-built men can have, but Adam is different. 

Tommy doesn't usually find men beautiful, either. He can appreciate a good look, but naked men do nothing for him; except on rare occasion when something just clicks, and he finds a guy fascinating and exciting. Even then, the way guys are built is just not that stimulating to him. Adam... Adam is the exception that drives him mad. Adam doesn't have to touch Tommy to make him want him. All he needs to do is be in the same room, and Tommy wants to roll around and stick his ass up. The thought makes him laugh, and when Adam hears it he turns to look at Tommy, a soft smile on his face. "What is it?"

He wonders what Adam would do if he said, _I want to stick my ass up for you to sniff it._ He's not a fucking dog in heat. "Nothing," he finally says. "This is just so new."

Adam's smile grows wider, and a little wickeder too. "Come here. Coffee's almost ready."

He puts his feet on the ground, gets up, and then lets out a small hurt sound because his thigh muscles complain painfully. Adam is by his side in a second, taking his hands, a worried look on his face. "Did I hurt you?"

That is a bit too much, and Tommy frees himself from Adam's hold, walking stiffly towards the kitchen table where his steaming hot coffee is waiting for him. "It's just my legs. You killed them last night." It's not just his legs, but he doesn't want Adam mother-henning over him. 

Adam follows him, but he doesn't say anything, just sits opposite Tommy, and pours coffee in their mugs.

They drink in silence, and Tommy wonders how quickly he can leave without causing a scene. 

"I loved last night," Adam says quietly after a while. "I really enjoyed..." Adam trails off, like he's worried Tommy doesn't agree. 

What did the ex do to make Adam lose his confidence this way?

He could just ignore it. He could just walk away, and not look back. Instead he says, "Nobody's been that good for me before." 

Adam stares at him, his mouth open, and Tommy puts two fingers under his chin and closes his mouth. 

"Yeah, so don't you dare go regretting anything." He leans back in his chair, the mug securely between his hands. "I hurt perfectly."

"Whoa," Adam says, hiding his face in his hands. 

"I want to take a bath." He also wants Adam to come with him, but it's such a bad idea. He's already an addict. "Do you mind?"

Adam waves his hand, but doesn't reveal his face. "There're towels in the cupboard under the sink."

He takes his coffee with him and goes to the bathroom. He locks the door, not because he thinks Adam would come in without permission but because he'd let him come in. He leans against the sink for a while, watching himself in the mirror, wanting to dig his eyes out with a spoon. He's so stupid. He should've known Adam is nothing but trouble, and that this would fix nothing at all. He takes a leak, finds a towel and puts it on top of the toilet bowl, and then showers, washing last night off his skin, washing _Adam_ off his skin. His asshole is puffy and still wet from lube, but when he pushes a finger inside himself it doesn't hurt much. He's fine, just aching. 

After he's cleaned himself he starts filling the tub. He sits down and pours shower gel into the water, then lies down and waits for the water to rise as high as his neck. When it finally does he closes the tap with his foot, takes his mug from the edge of the tub and drinks. For a short while, life feels perfect.

He doesn't know if Adam has plans for today. He knows they don't have to work until Saturday so at least he has nothing else to do but lie here. It's just not the wisest choice. If he has no life it's easier for Adam to become it. He doesn't want that, especially since Adam is who he is. And it's possible Adam wants him to leave and never come back. It was a good night, but it wasn't what they were looking for. 

Tommy sinks deeper into the tub, the water reaching his nose. He feels exhausted, like he's lived a million lifetimes already. Why life is so hard is beyond him. He has a good family. He has a sister. He has friends. Yet, he's such a fuck up. And now he's getting himself mixed up with a guy who has more issues than anyone Tommy has ever met. It's depressing. He wants Mia to pet his hair, and lie to him that everything is going to be alright. He sinks even lower, underwater. He wants to breathe in, but doesn't. 

There's a knock on the door, and it startles Tommy out of his dark thoughts. He sits up and waits, then remembers he locked the door. 

"I really need to use the toilet," Adam says, sounding miserable. "I don't want to bother you, but... yeah..."

"Okay," he says, thinking about his options. He's not ready to end the bath yet. It's doing amazing things to his tense muscles, and he's too wired to face the world just yet. So he chooses the less painful option, steps out of the bath, wraps the towel around his waist, and lets Adam in while he walks out. "I need to go back, but it's all yours for now."

Adam looks grateful, and then quickly closes the door. 

Tommy curses himself to the lowest level of hell. He's really enjoying this: getting coffee in the morning, Adam's sleep-tousled look and his sweet, sweet eyes, the bathtub, even the smell of Adam's shower gel. He looks at the apartment, takes in the colors Adam has used to decorate his home: dark gray, light brown, and green. It looks like a mix of jungle and desert. And then there's music. It's important to Adam. Tommy can see it clearer now than during the night when he was more focused on Adam's dominating eyes and hands. Adam has two shelves of CDs, and the stereo system is brand new and gorgeous, too. There are two microphone stands next to Adam's couch and lots of cords lying on the floor. Tommy wants to hear Adam sing. That would probably doom him into an eternal obsession if Adam was any good. 

Right then Adam opens the bathroom door, and Tommy is face to face with him without any mask, his guards down. If Adam knows how to look he'll see Tommy. He ducks his face and walks past Adam, but Adam takes his wrist and stops him. Tommy bites his teeth together, preparing himself for the worst. What he gets stops his heart: Adam kisses his ear and whispers, "You look good wet." 

And that's it. He's free to go. 

He gets back to the tub as quickly as he can, keeping his eyes closed while his mind rushes past thoughts that are too violent for him to concentrate on. He needs to get out of here. He needs to find his clothes and leave. He needs to find another job. He needs to get Adam out of his life.

After another shaky twenty minutes in the tub he lets the water out, washes all the soap off his skin, and then dries himself. He takes a small amount of Adam's toothpaste, and cleans his teeth with his finger, trying to figure out how to get out of the apartment without facing Adam again. 

When he gets out Adam is sitting on the couch, his headphones on, and he's wearing nothing but black sweatpants. Tommy notices all the freckles on his arms and chest, and it's just too damn much. He walks up to the bed quickly, looks for his clothes, pulls on his briefs, and then he's dressing faster than he's ever done before. 

"You're leaving?" Adam says quietly. "I thought we would talk."

"Nothing to talk about" he says, sounding cold because he's trying not to reveal anything. 

"Oh..." Adam is leaning against the back of the couch while Tommy is looking for one of his socks. "I thought you'd be different." It's not an accusation, although it could be. 

"I can't stay, and besides, there's no reason to. You don't date coworkers, and I don't date guys. Simple." He's getting really frustrated now because his sock is missing, and he's not sure where he put his bag. He growls in frustration. He wants to throw things. "Fuck," he mutters because he needs to leave and he can't find anything. And it's just unfair, all of it.

Adam is still watching him, his blue eyes sharp but not unkind, and Tommy wonders what kind of a saint he is to be this calm when Tommy is all over the place, losing his sanity right this moment. 

"You have an interesting mind," Adam says. "But the truth is, I can't trust my judgment anymore. I thought I was good at reading people... before I met him. Now... not so much."

He wants to tell Adam to keep his thoughts to himself, but he's not that messed up just yet. 

"Relax, I'm not expecting anything from you." Adam takes a step closer, and pure instinct makes Tommy take two steps back. He collides with the kitchen table, and almost falls down because he's too focused on keeping Adam far, far away. 

"It's not that," Tommy says even though he wants to keep all of it to himself. Adam deserves some kind of an explanation, though. He's been through enough. "This works too well." He waves his hand between them and feels like a complete moron. "I like you too much." That he didn't mean to say. He tries to find something from his mind that would fix that fumble, but nothing works. "You like music." And that's it. He clearly can't be let out to play with normal people. He talks funny. 

He sits down, resignation washing over him. He's doomed.

Adam sits next to him, and if Tommy wore a hat he would raise it in Adam's honor. The guy is so fucking patient. 

"Everything clicks," Tommy says because he has to. "Sex, music, the way you are in the morning, how you talk to me, even your fucking apartment fits. Last night... when I freaked out... that never happens around people, not like that. I'm good at keeping things to myself. You... You tore off my mask. I don't like this. And you don't want anything, and you're a mess. We can't build anything on top of that. But... be more perfect, I dare you." He looks at Adam defiantly. He's so angry at himself for sharing so much, but he can't just run away and not give something to Adam. He doesn't want to hurt him. He'd rather get hurt himself. 

Adam looks stunned. Then he says weakly, "I'm perfect?"

"All the whispering, and holding me down, and knowing exactly what to do and say... Fuck you!" 

"You're mad at me?" 

Tommy bites his lower lip, then says, "Yes." 

"Why?" Adam leans over the table, and Tommy pushes his chair back to get away from him. 

"The best sex of my life with a guy! Fuck you. And you do all that," Tommy waves his hand around haphazardly, meaning singing and loving music. "And this is sex with no strings attached? We're doing it wrong." 

Adam laughs, aggravated. "What am I supposed to do?"

"I don't know. I didn't get that far yet." 

"You throw compliments at me like they're something vile." Adam looks at him, kind of smiling and furrowing his brows at the same time. 

"Well..." He doesn't even know what to say. This is why Mia writes all his e-mails to his soon-to-be-exs. He just can't figure out how to put his mind into sentences that make sense to other people. 

"It's okay," Adam says softly. "I think I got it. You didn't expect us to be this good together. Neither did I."

"Something like that. And this didn't fix anything. I still feel you." He clenches his hands into fists in his lap. "And I don't want anything so don't think you need to figure out how to turn me down gently. Wanting something and realizing something is pretty damn cool are two different things." 

"I have never met anyone like you," Adam says, staring at him. "Like ever. To be honest, after everything, you're a breath of fresh air. You blurt out everything, show everything. I don't have to guess anything with you."

Tommy pushes his fists against his eyes. "Yeah, that... doesn't usually happen either. I have a handful of friends who know me. Otherwise I really don't share. Especially since I can't seem to say anything normal." 

Adam's laughter is light, friendly, and Tommy can't understand him at all. "You're saying all kinds of good things. Do you have any idea how rarely I've heard that I'm good in bed?" Adam laughs again, and it makes Tommy smile. "Say whatever you want. I like you saying words. It's interesting, weird yeah, but interesting."

He bites his lips, watching Adam. "So... What are we?"

"Friends?" Adam asks, extending his hand. 

Yeah, friends. "With benefits?"

"Until we find something that doesn't mess with our heads?"

Tommy takes Adam's hand. There's an understanding here. Adam seems to know that he can't do domestic, and Adam doesn't want that from him. Tommy likes Adam, but because Adam doesn't need anything from him he can stay. What a weird morning. "Sounds good to me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm usually not this slow updating stories. I'll get back to this ASAP. <3 
> 
> Here's Tommy with bubbles by the lovely [Stich-84](http://stitch-84.tumblr.com/)


	5. Into the Void

Weeks go by, and Tommy gets used to his new job. He also learns quickly how to get rid of people who think that just because he shakes his booty on stage he's free for any entertainment off it, and he earns good money because people seem to find him intriguing. 

He asks Mike if he can start paying rent and become a respectable citizen again, and Mike just laughs, but makes him a key chain with _home_ carved in it. He has his own room, and he starts decorating it a bit, makes it look like he actually lives there. He also looks for ads about bands that hire guitarists - which he hasn't done since he lost his last job. The way he earns his money doesn't manage to dampen his good mood, and he finally feels like things are looking up. 

The only thing that shakes the balance of his carefully feng shuied universe is Adam's meddling ass. 

The other day, he overheard Adam talking about him to his best friend and ex, Brad who also happens to be a dancer at Naked Spirit. In reality, Brad is an actor, just like Adam is a singer, and Tommy is a guitarist, but reality hasn't yet caught up with that fact.

The things he heard disturbed him a little. For example, Brad asked if he'd already nailed _that pretty redhead's ass_ , and when Adam mumbled something incomprehensible, Brad laughed and said, "But you like weird. I bet it was good. I bet he wants more."

He ran away from that conversation before he could hear what Adam said next. 

Raja brings up the group routine after Tommy has been working at Naked Spirit for seven weeks. The stage is a place where almost anything can happen, and Tommy has gotten used to seeing girls with their legs spread, dildos inside them, or guys doing raunchy shows, mock-fucking each other, playing the audience like there's no tomorrow. 

He knows they've had at least two of those private parties for VIP people while he's been working there, and Adam has told him what goes on behind those closed doors. 

He's seen Adam twice after work because Adam’s been busy with performing, and neither of those times led to anything sexual. The first time Adam took him to a paintball arena and beat his ass in the game, and the second time, they went to a gallery opening of Adam's close friend. Tommy isn't sure what Adam wants, but he's decided the next time Adam asks if he wants to hang out he'll say he has other things to do. He doesn't want to be Adam's buddy. He wants back in bed with him. He wants Adam to fuck him raw. He can't handle anything else, and not even that. 

The thing is, Raja wants him to be a fierce demon from hell that submits to an avenging angel of heavens above, and she wants Adam to play that angel. Tommy is supposed to fight it until the very end, and make it believable, make it real, make it exciting for the audience. He can no doubt do that if his counterpart is Adam. He just doesn't want to show that on stage. It's too much what and who he is, and what he wants from Adam. The sheer idea makes him vulnerable, and he hates that. 

He wonders again if he's up for this job, if he can actually do this. He's better at dancing now, but he's still so easily thrown off guard if something out of the ordinary happens. 

"You'd be perfect," Raja says softly. "You have that in you. You have no idea how you look sometimes, like you're made of lust. When you're open to these ideas you're a natural, a perfect addition to my little family."

Her words make him hide his smile. He ducks his head, looks at the tips of his shoes as he sits in Raja's office, contemplating this whole idea. "Can we just try it?" he asks, still not looking at her. "See if I can do it? I don't want to disappoint you."

Raja leans over the desk, and takes his hand. "Oh baby, you can't disappoint me. You're already golden. You bring me money, but you also bring me joy. And the crew loves you. You brought new chips to the table. I couldn't have made a better choice."

Now he stares at her, his heart in his throat. This is the first time he's ever been praised by his boss. "Really?" He chokes on that little word, and Raja laughs. 

"You, petal, have no idea who you are." 

He has some ideas, though. And he's intrigued by this group performance. "How real would it get?"

"Pretty real. As real as you want it to be, actually. You can let him penetrate you, too, but this is the kind of show where the audience can't touch you, and they won't be sitting as close to the stage as usual."

"Not that real..." Yeah, it's another one of those annoying blushes. He's thinking about Adam fucking him on stage, and he can't even breathe. No, definitely no. "But almost... I could do that."

Raja smiles, big and bright. "You can do whatever you want. The rehearsals start tomorrow. You can even drop out if you want. Brad can play your part if need be. He's comfortable with Adam." 

He doesn't want Adam doing it with anyone else, but he understands that since Raja has pretty much written the script already there has to be someone playing his part. "Have you talked with Adam already?"

Raja lets go of his hand and stands up. "Yeah, he's fine with anything."

Tommy wants to snort. Adam kind of is. Except that he's hot-cold-driving-Tommy-insane-with-his-antics kind of annoying too, and if Tommy does this with him - this too - he's going to be deeper in this shit than he already is. 

Raja holds her hand out to him, and Tommy takes it, lets her pull him up and guide him out of the office. "Think about it. Think about it all. Think about even the real stuff, letting them into your secret world. Think about if it will crack you more or heal the fractures."

And Tommy thinks about it while he sits in the cab that night, while he brushes his teeth and while he lies in his bed alone. He thinks about the weird connection he has with Adam, and how it hasn't changed. He thinks about Adam's hands holding him down, making him take it in front of an audience, forcing him to let go of his overactive mind. Adam's voice in his ears, telling him what he's going to do. Adam and his overwhelming presence. 

He doesn't know if he can do it, but it doesn't seem to matter. It's good to be thinking about it, the idea of complete surrender. He wonders if Raja sees him the way he is, and if she likes what she sees. 

The next day, he tells Raja that he's willing to try it with an open mind, and she pulls him into a warm hug. "I knew it," she chimes in his ear, kissing his skin. 

They talk about it, the ideas Raja has for the show, the visual side of it, how she wants it to come together, and how she wants them to feel it, really be the characters to make it something other than pornography. She wants it to be a sexually charged show, but something believable, something that makes people mesmerized, not only horny. 

Raja is inspiring, and when they start going through the dance moves and the actual story line, Tommy gets why he wanted to work here. It's all about performing for these people. They take it seriously, but also with a fun edge. They are all exhibitionists, and Tommy wonders if he is too. Maybe he is, just a little, and maybe a small part of him wants to show his face to these people, all the people who want to watch and see. 

It is a pretty show, too. The clothes are gorgeous, all glitter and glamour, perfect for them, perfect for the story, and the way Raja has written his character, the demon with a third eye that can see all the things the demon has lost... He loses it a little when the angel captures him, and he hides in plain sight, withdraws, and Raja calls a break, gives him time to compose himself.

When they start again it's from that same moment, and when Adam pulls him close he fights back, ducks down and dances past Adam, following Raja's instructions. Everything around them is a sea of fire, people dancing frantically, their hands touching Tommy, pulling him closer to Adam, tearing off his clothes, and then finally he's pushed down on the ground and his hands are tied to one of the poles. 

He looks behind him, and it's part script and part genuine fear, and Adam is right there, grabbing his hair, pulling his head back. He's on his knees, his tied hands resting against the floor, and his heart is pounding in his chest, violent. 

"Do you surrender?" Adam asks with his stage voice, but there's a hint of truth in his words. 

Tommy looks at Adam with defiant eyes, his lip curling. "Never."

He's shirtless, only his stage briefs still on, and Adam's free hand slides under them, close to his hole. "Come to me. I can show you heaven."

Tommy catches himself before he leans into the hand that's still grabbing his hair, not so tight anymore, almost gentle. He growls instead. 

The hand inside his briefs moves lower still, and now Adam is touching him, a fingertip pushing in. He remembers, and he's missed this, but people are watching, chanting words he can't comprehend, and he tries to move out of the way. Adam envelops him with his body, naked, and he can't see for a second, his breaths completely gone. Adam forces him down with his body, presses his chin against Tommy's head, and makes him bow. "Surrender."

He wants to say yes, anything to get Adam's approval. It's so hard to fight it. 

Then Adam becomes still for a second, holding him in place, and there's a moment Tommy thinks Adam might enter him for real, but he doesn't, just acts like he does, like he's inside, like he's pushing through all defenses, and maybe he is because Tommy whimpers, hiding his face in his arm, closing his eyes. Adam whispers something in his ear, and it takes a while until he understands it. _I want to do this for real._

All strength leaves his body, and he just waits, his mind blank and quiet. When it's over everyone claps, but he's too dazed to understand any of it. After Raja's pep talk, they head to the changing rooms, but before Tommy reaches his locker, Adam grabs his arm and says, "Come with me." He follows, his eyes focused on Adam's broad back. Adam pushes him into a storage room, and then kisses all his thoughts away. He wants to wrap his arms and legs around Adam. He wants to sink into Adam. He wants it all, right now. 

Adam pushes him onto his knees, and he goes down willingly, pulling at the briefs Adam has on, and then he has Adam fucking into his mouth, holding his face, one hand over it, over his eyes too, a thumb pushing into his mouth. He's making obscene sounds, and Adam reads him right, pushing two of his other hand's fingers inside Tommy's mouth too, spreading him so wide it hurts his jaw. He holds onto Adam's waist, strokes his thigh to tell him that it's good, perfect, more, and Adam is shaking, completely lost in the sensations.

He pulls out just barely in time so he doesn't come inside Tommy's mouth. Instead he covers Tommy's face with his come: eyelids, nose, his cheeks, and once Tommy knows how to breathe again he realizes Adam at least tried to be a little careful even if they both forgot the condom. He leans his head against Adam's crotch when it's over, Adam's fingers in his hair. 

"God... Sorry," Adam says after a while. "I don't sleep around. I haven't been with anyone since the bastard, and I tested myself afterwards when I realized he had been cheating on me."

Tommy smiles against Adam's skin. He's always been careful, and this is probably his first fuck up since teenage years. He's not that worried. "It's okay," he mumbles, still hiding there, holding Adam because Adam lets him. "It's okay."

Adam pets him, then puts two fingers under his chin and tilts his head up. There's something sweet in Adam's eyes, something Tommy doesn't try to resist right now, and he just smiles, content beyond thought. "You're kind of wonderful," Adam says, sounding helpless. 

Tommy hums, closing his eyes, and he feels Adam's hand on his cheek, a thumb caressing his sticky skin. 

"Thank you, baby." 

He beams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the long wait. /o\ Real life has kept me busy, and I've started to write original fiction. I'm still very much interested in writing fic about these two, though. :) So no worries. More to come later. <3
> 
> And the wonderful [Stitch-84](http://stitch-84.tumblr.com/) drew another picture that was inspired by this story:
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> How I love the slightly devious look. :P Gorgeous. (and so you know, I'm a huge chibi fan... Manga/anime/everything Japanese are dear to me)


	6. I Throw More Shade Than a Cloudy Day

After the incident in the storage room, Adam doesn't let him out of his sight, and since they both have a night off, Adam takes him to a coffee shop, sits him down, and says, "Tell me something about yourself."

Tommy just stares at Adam, then looks out of the window, holding his latte between his hands, his elbows on the table. He's not much of a talker. "What do you wanna know?"

"You know why I can't do relationships. Tell me why you can't do them either." Adam sounds warm, but also cautious. "I don't want to hurt you with something I don't know can hurt you... If that makes any sense."

It does. He looks at Adam, stares into his eyes, trying to see if he has anything nasty hidden behind his kind face. All he sees is concern. That's annoying too, but not as annoying as curiosity. "I had someone once... someone who knew how to handle me. She left me, and for a long while I didn't know how to be me without her."

"Why did she leave?" Adam leans back, as though giving room to Tommy. 

He doesn't want to talk about this. It's humiliating. He's been hung up on a girl for years now. People get over things. People move on. "She wanted something else."

"You're not really giving me anything here," Adam says softly. "I can't work with this knowledge."

Tommy feels kind of violent. He walks out of fights. He's never the one to start them. But right now, he wants to throw his coffee in Adam's face. "It's nothing. People go through much worse. They survive."

"Abusive relationships hurt our core because we're supposed to feel safe in our own home. Or if someone who's a part of our soul leaves.... we're not supposed to _get over it_ just like that. You have a right to be broken." 

He gets up, fuming, biting his teeth together so he doesn't say the things that are on his tongue. 

"Sit down." It's a clear command, and he obeys it without thinking, then glares at Adam because fuck him and his ability to do this to him. 

Adam wipes his face with his hand, rubs his eyes like he's tired. "Talk to me, please. We affect each other, and it can turn bad if we don't know how we've been burned. Please?"

Tommy knows Adam is being reasonable, but it's his stupid life, his stupid mind, his heart that's been crushed to pieces, and he doesn't want to give any of it away. "Okay. Ask specific questions."

Adam is quiet for a moment, then smiles. "Thank you."

Those two words run up his spine, and his skin tingles like Adam just touched him. He wants to shake the feeling off of his body. He's bristling, but he tries to hide it. 

"How did you two meet?"

Jean came to him. "She asked me to dance," he says, carefully avoiding Adam's eyes. 

"Did she lead?" Adam is still smiling, but his tone is serious. 

He nods. "She was very good at that. Perfect. I'd never met anyone like her. I didn't even know... I didn't... She made me want things I didn't even know existed. She was a bitch, but in a good way. I always felt like she gave enough room to me, like she knew what I needed. She read me. And when she left, when she went away everything stopped. Everything. I couldn't even breathe without her. For two years, I was completely happy. I can't even describe it. It was like she discovered me, and then she abandoned me. Just like that. It didn't mean that much to her. I didn't matter..." He's breathing hard, his chest rising fast. He bites his lips to hide at least a part of the turmoil inside him. 

"Where did she go?" Adam puts his hand on the table, but it's just lying there. It's not for Tommy. 

"She went to law school, and now she's somewhere in Japan. I haven't talked to her in years." 

"Why couldn't you follow her?"

Tommy puts his mug on the table, staring at the surface of his coffee. "I had a band at the time. We were doing a demo. I... wanted her to choose me."

"Over her dreams?"

He nods again. He was such a jerk. He remembers her face, the last time they saw each other, the last day they spent together. She would've taken him with her. She just never said it, and he never asked. "I should've said something."

"You mattered," Adam says like he knows anything at all. 

"Fuck you."

Adam rubs his chin, hiding behind the gesture for a moment. "I'm sorry you lost her."

So is he. He's regretted that choice every day since then. Every fucking day, even when he hasn't thought of her, even when he learned to forget her. 

"Do I remind you of her?" 

"Yes. No." He pauses, biting his cheek. "I don't know. You bring her out of me."

"Have you ever subbed for anyone else?" Adam asks, his voice soft. 

He doesn't understand why he's talking about this with Adam. Almost every part of him is screaming to get the hell out of here, yet he's staying. He's starting to shiver because he feels cold. Stupid fucking weak body. And Adam notices it, but says nothing, just drops his jacket on the chair next to Tommy. Like he's going to pick that up. 

"Do you want to answer?" Adam stares at him with his blue, blue eyes, and he wants to scream. 

"No."

"You don't want to answer, or you haven't subbed for anyone else?"

"No, I haven't subbed for anyone else."

Adam smiles. "I really like you."

"Why?" he blurts out before he can stop himself. He doesn't want to know, and he tries to show that with leaning back and looking away. 

"You're so honest. You're right here, showing me everything you feel. It's actually really awesome even though I mostly make you feel uncomfortable, but at least I know you're not faking it."

He snorts, but he's secretly pleased too. Adam likes him because he's annoyed. That makes him smile. 

"And that too. That... You always try to hide it, being amused."

He smiles. He does. 

Adam laughs out loud, and it annoys him even more. "I could just stare at you all day long. Your face is incredible, so expressive and beautiful... Sorry if that's creepy."

He finally looks straight at Adam, not past him, not sideways, not under his brows or through his hair, just stares right at him. "I managed to put myself back together," he says, sounding cold. "Don't try to tear me open."

Adam just stares. 

"You want to know how you can hurt me... By taking this too seriously, wanting something of me, needing me. I can't be anything to you. If you ask I'll leave."

That hurts Adam. He can see it so clearly, and he regrets being so blunt. He can't apologize, though. That's the truth. He won't open himself up to anyone, not because he doesn't want to, but because he doesn't know how. Jean broke him, or he broke himself. Whatever happened, it destroyed something inside him.

Adam taps the table a few times, and Tommy feels the rhythm. He tries not to think about it. "It's good then," Adam finally says. "We don't want anything."

Somehow things feel off now, and Tommy doesn't know what to do. Adam is inside his shell, and that's Tommy's doing. 

"I just don't..." Adam falls silent, takes a sip of his coffee, then looks at Tommy again. "I don't understand how any of this helps you."

"What do you mean?" He watches as Adam makes a decision right in front of him, leans closer, so close Tommy can smell him. 

"Why do you want to hold onto the idea of her?" Adam breathes with him, looks at him like there's no barrier between them. 

"What?"

Adam takes his hand between his own, and the touch makes his heart race. "You hold onto how she made you feel. That's why nobody else can take her place. It's always going to be different with someone else."

"You don't know anything," he whispers. 

"I know I won't trust anyone because I can't let go of... You know that feeling when the bottom falls off?"

Tommy nods. 

"I feel like that all the time. Every second. I sleep only because of chemicals. He fucked with my mind, and my mind is very active, creative, free. And I've always loved to be inside my head. Now... I can't trust anything. I'm not myself anymore. I feel like I'm someone else completely, someone stupid, someone weak, someone who lets himself be manipulated. I can't understand what happened. I can't understand what he did, and how he managed to do that to me. How can anyone do that? How can you love someone who's such an asshole? How can't you see that? How can you believe lies if you're so good at understanding people? So I hold onto this. And I recognize the same in you."

"She didn't fuck with my mind," he says without thinking, and realizes immediately it's a lie. She did. Maybe she didn't mean to, but she did something. 

Adam lets go of his hand, strokes his wrist a few times, and leans back again. "Yeah."

"Don't."

"It's not something small, Tommy. You think it's insignificant compared to something else. It's not. And you survived it. Whatever it is, you learned to live with it. Give yourself some credit."

That's the problem. He never learned to live with it. He's surviving with it. Two different things. "Why do you even care?"

"Why? Have you ever looked at yourself?" Adam drinks his coffee, looking at Tommy. "You make me feel alive."

That he can understand. He feels exactly the same with Adam. Everything is simply _more_ with him. "Okay."

Adam laughs, the joy in his eyes catching. "You..."

"I like that, feeling alive. I like sex. I like easy, but people are never easy." He scratches his upper lip, watching Adam carefully. "You can't hurt me if you stay easy. I don't mind if you're messed up, but I do mind if you start demanding something from me. I can't play house. I can't be a boyfriend. I'm not even sure if I can be your friend. You might frustrate me too much for that, but this," he takes Adam's hand, pulls it close to his lips, and sucks his forefinger into his mouth, then after a moment, lets go, "is easy."

Adam's eyes go dark. "Have you fallen for anyone after her?"

"Nope."

"Have you tried?"

He purses his lips, but doesn't answer. 

"Thought so... What if I fall for you?"

He practically panics. "Don't do that."

Adam shakes his head, smiling. "Hearts can't be controlled."

"I don't want that responsibility. I'm one of those bastards who'll break your heart."

"I'm not sure you can." Adam pauses, his eyes sharp and searching. "Remember the morning after... You told me everything. People don't do that. You don't want to cause harm to anyone. People like that have never been able to hurt me. I don't mind normal pain: losing someone, having misunderstandings, arguing... What I can't deal with is dishonesty, someone using the person I am, using my kindness or what I want to give to you... I can't explain this, but you might be too honest for someone else but not for me. You're exactly what I need right now..." Adam waves his hand when he sees the look on Tommy's face. "And don't take it that way. I don't _need_ you to do anything. Except maybe stay for a little while. As long as you can. I promise to remember that this won't last."

"And this will actually lead to mind-blowing sex? Because I haven't seen that in weeks and I'm thinking friends with benefits means something other than I thought."

Adam grins. "I've been busy."

"You can fuck me at work, too. Worked well today."

"You're awful." 

"I'm greedy, and I want you. All that dancing today... All that..."

"I wasn't lying," Adam says quietly. "I want to do it for real. On stage. I don't want to hold back."

"Do it then." He can't believe he just said that. 

Adam looks like he's close to swallowing his tongue. "What?" he squeaks. 

Tommy grins like a maniac, he knows it. "Let's give them a show. I don't mind. I can prepare myself... If you show me that test result I can let you do it bare. I'm clean, and today was my first fumble since teenage years..."

"What?" He's totally managed to break Adam. 

"I can do it." He wants to do it. 

Adam doesn't say anything after that, and Tommy wonders if he went too far. Maybe Adam was just bluffing. He swallows, worried all of a sudden.

"Don't tease," Adam says finally, so quiet Tommy can barely hear him. 

He shakes his head and whispers back, "Not teasing."

Adam's jaw tenses, then he leans over the table and takes hold of the back of Tommy's neck, pulling Tommy close. "I'll do it. You have to mean it."

He opens his mouth, but all he can do is breathe, his chest rising. 

"Tommy..." It's a warning. "I don't have inhibitions. Tell me you mean it."

He means every fucking word. "Fuck me on stage, please."

Adam pulls him into a kiss, and he wants the table out of the way. He wants. His hands grab Adam's shoulders, his nails digging in, and he can't help it. He moans into Adam's mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, it's going to happen. Have a nice day. :P
> 
> And [Stitch-84](http://stitch-84.tumblr.com/) just keeps making me happy. :) Look at this.
> 
>  


	7. The Edge of Shadows

The premiere of _The Edge of Shadows_ has Tommy vomiting in the toilet of their changing rooms. He's so god damn happy he brought a toothbrush and paste with him because smelling bad is not an option for this show. 

He's staring at himself in the mirror, at the third eye Raja has drawn on his forehead, at the black and golden clothes he's wearing, at his dark red hair that's spiked and wild, and at the horns that are sticking out of his head. He looks like a frightened demon - not far from what the script says, but still, he wishes he was stronger than this.

He's had stage fright when he performed with bands too, but this is worse. He's shaking, sweating, and he wonders if he'll be able to dance at all. It shouldn't be that much different from his usual performance, except it is because of what Adam and he have decided to do. 

His knuckles turn white when he squeezes the edge of the sink. He can always call it off. If he says: "I'm on fire" Adam knows not to do anything. 

There's a knock on the door. "Tommy?"

It's Adam. He takes a deep breath, and opens the door, then grabs the toothbrush and starts brushing his teeth so he has something to do other than look at Adam. 

"You okay?" Adam stares at him in the mirror, and he tries to avoid his gaze. He won't go on stage at all if he lets Adam close now. 

He nods, a little too frantic, and then smiles around the toothbrush. 

Adam tries to put a hand on his shoulder, but he moves out from under it, turning to face Adam, backing away. "Whoa..." Adam lifts his hands up. "No touching. I get it."

This time he smiles genuinely, and Adam smiles back. Yeah, he's freaking out, but he's also excited. 

"I'm freaking out too," Adam says. "I can't fit into my skin."

Tommy knows how that feels. He spits out the toothpaste, washes his mouth clean with water, and then turns around, grinning like a mad person. "Promise me you'll do it."

"So I don't get the luxury of 'Oh my fucking god, I can't do this. Shit. Shit. Shit', huh?" Adam uses a different squeaky-scared voice for that sentence, and it's part-joking but it's part-true too. Adam is scared. "What if I can't perform?" 

That makes Tommy laugh out loud. 

"Don't laugh. I'm serious."

He laughs some more. "Don't worry. You can _not_ do it, too. Just promise me you won't not do it because of me, unless I'm very, very clear I don't want it."

Adam takes a step closer, and when Tommy backs away again, he says, "You're not the only one with needs. Can I at least hug you before we go on stage?"

Tommy hesitates for a moment, then shrugs, and when Adam walks up to him, he lets it happen. 

He likes Adam's scent when it surrounds him. He likes the warmth of his body, and the way those strong arms wrap around him. Adam puts his hand on the back of his neck, and he gets to breathe in Adam's scent some more. His head is under Adam's chin, and it should make him feel something other than content. It doesn't. 

Then Adam kisses his ear, and Tommy turns his head so it's his lips Adam is kissing. Adam licks into his mouth, and lifts him up on the sink, stepping between his thighs, and he wraps his legs around Adam, grinding against him, his hands in Adam's hair. Adam pulls back, stroking the sides of his head. "Um..."

 _Yeah._ He doesn't let go. 

Adam rests his forehead against Tommy's, sighing. "God..."

He rolls his hips, rubs himself against Adam's hard cock, then tilts his head back. 

Adam bite-licks his throat, groaning, and he wants more, forcing Adam's head even closer. Adam sneaks a hand under his shirt, his nails scratching Tommy's back, and he can't hold back the sounds that spill out of his mouth. 

Adam takes a step back, releasing him, and all he can do is pant, leaning his back against the mirror. "You do that to me," Adam says, breathless. "I can't... fuck. You have to be clear on that stage. Make it clear if you don't want it. You put this fog around me, and all I can do is feel." Adam waves his hand in a haphazard way. "Just bite me or something if you don't want it. I might not hear your words."

Tommy looks at him for a moment, his ass falling into the sink, and he pushes himself off it before he gets too wet. This time Adam steps back when Tommy gets too close. "This is so good," Tommy says to him, reaching out, and without hesitation Adam takes his hand. It's fever and fire, and breathing becomes impossible. "Let's do this."

Adam nods, and they leave the toilet together, not holding hands.

When they stand behind the curtain, waiting for Raja to end her speech, Tommy fidgets so much Sasha hugs him and Adam puts a hand on his shoulder. He'll be fine. They’re all going to be there with him, and most of the script has him put in his place so he doesn't even have to remember what he's supposed to do. All he really has to do is look pretty. That makes him want to laugh, but he holds it in, leaning closer to Adam. When he realizes that, he tries to move away, but Adam holds onto him, and then the music starts to play and all he can do is follow the script.

Everything is like before except he sees people and freezes. Sasha pulls him with her, and he tries to let go, tries to feel the music and the atmosphere and everyone around him, the familiar faces, the place itself. This is his home, and they want him here. 

The moment he finally relaxes is also the moment when Adam captures him for the first time. His wrist is in Adam's hold, and he goes as far as his arm reaches, and then stops, waiting, exactly on the dramatic point of the music. He's breathing hard, looking at Adam, trying to yank his wrist free, but Adam doesn't let go. Someone takes hold of his other hand, Terrance, who's one of the demons, and he's free again. 

They get separated again, the music pulling them in different directions, the tempo escalating. 

He tries to breathe in between moments where he's not dancing around the stage, running from the avenging angel. He gets to sit down, gets to lie down too, arching his back, writhing to the music. They tear at his clothes, and he knows it's time soon. The second song is starting, a much darker one, and it means he'll be on his knees, his hands tied to the pole. 

Tommy leans against Sasha, touching her wings, the demon in him seeking pity, release, freedom, safety, but he gets none. Sasha pushes his head down forcefully, and someone grabs his hands, pulls them forward, and it hurts. He hides the smile, and lets out a tiny shredded sound. 

Then he looks back, following the script, feeling Adam's presence, feeling his hand in his hair. He can't hear the words Adam says, but he answers still, remembering his own lines like they are carved into his mind. Adam moves closer, so close there's nothing between them, hot skin against his own, and he doesn't fear. He just hopes that Adam won't back down, that he won't stop this. 

Adam puts his hands on Tommy's head, on his neck, his arms crushing him so close it's uncomfortable and awful and the most perfect thing he's ever experienced. He can hear nothing from the audience, like the whole room is holding its breath, nobody moving, nobody except Adam who has Tommy pinned, spread, helpless, and it's pain and pleasure combined. His mind is nothing but anticipation, and when Adam whispers in his ear: "Don't come." he bites his lip and nods, and then he feels Adam sliding inside him. It's easier than he thought. Adam is not fucking into him; he's burying himself into him, careful and quiet, like he's opening him up. He's bare, but not vulnerable, and he breathes with Adam, feeling completely at peace. 

When Adam is all the way in Tommy moans, Adam's arms heavy on top of his head, holding him in place. He doesn't want it to end, and the way Adam stays there, waits, makes him realize Adam feels the same way. It's not about the show. It's not about anyone but them, but somehow this is where it becomes easy. He likes this. He likes to be filled. He likes to be held down. 

Adam kisses his ear, laughing softly, quietly. "I'm gonna come. You feel too good." 

He bites his lips so he won't laugh back. He might not be able to stop if he started now. "It's okay," he whispers back, and feels Adam push further inside him, their sweaty bodies moving together. He can't breathe after that, can't think of anything because the way Adam sounds and feels fills everything in him, all his senses, and he just goes with it, lets Adam make love to him on stage, lets him be so gentle it kills every nerve in his body, lets him hold him. And when Adam comes he bites Tommy's shoulder, not hard, but still, making him feel it. Adam doesn't stop moving right away, just kisses Tommy's cheek and the side of his head, his hips rolling gently, and that makes it so much worse. He wants to come, needs it, but he holds back through the hurt, breathing, breathing, breathing. 

When it's finally over Adam lies on top of him, covering him completely, his hands moving to free Tommy's wrists. When they get up Adam holds Tommy so he doesn't fall, so he won't lose his step, and they do the final scene where Sasha, the angel wipes the third eye off Tommy's forehead. The others hum a tune that makes Tommy feel like the whole world is waiting for him to wake up. He's not doing the show anymore. He's holding onto Adam's wrist, and he wants to be sure that there will be an aftermath, that he'll get what Adam is promising. 

After the final bow, Adam takes him to the dressing rooms, helps him clean up, and then they are putting their clothes on, ready to leave as soon as people stop congratulating them. He's never been this light-headed. He's never wanted this bad to get out of anywhere, and when Adam takes his hand, and pulls him out of the door, he breathes in fresh air and practically runs after him. 

He knows he did good. He knows it from the way Adam is looking at him like he's never seen anyone as gorgeous as he is, and when they reach Adam's apartment he gets to feel it too. Adam licks him open, makes him beg, makes him ask for it, makes him say everything out loud between breaths that are so broken he can't get enough air to keep blood flowing into his brain too. And he writhes under Adam, holds onto his shoulders, and comes, his throat aching from all the sounds he’s tried to keep in. 

When he's about to fall asleep he feels Adam's hand in his hair, stroking. He wants to smile, but he’s too tired. He settles for a soft sound that could be a purr.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another wonderful drawing by [Stitch-84:](http://stitch-84.tumblr.com/post/25175460999/inspired-by-taste-chapter-7-a-story-by)


	8. Give Yourself to the Rush

Halloween is one of Tommy's favorites, and when he hears that he's working that night it kind of kills his mood for the whole month. He wants to go to a party with Mia and Mike (Dave has a night shift, too), but Raja has other plans. Everyone dresses up for Halloween, even the customers, and Raja wants her best there. _The Edge of Shadows_ has made the club even more popular, and there's a lot of money involved. Tommy doesn't give a damn about money anymore because he's earning enough to make a decent living - he even bought a car - so this, this is just pure torture.

He's sulking in the dressing rooms when Adam walks in, laughing and talking with Terrance. Tommy tries to pull his game face on, but Adam notices his lousy mood anyway. He sends Terrance on his way, and sits next to Tommy. "What's up?"

"Nothing." 

Adam leans his head against Tommy's shoulder. "You can tell me."

He knows that. Adam is some kind of a therapist for all of them, always helping everyone. Tommy wants to hit him in the head with the hairbrush he's holding. "I'm working on Halloween."

"Everyone is working on Halloween. Full house." Adam traces the tattoos on Tommy's forearm. "Did you have plans?"

"I always have plans. Halloween is the only holiday I like."

"Ah... Horror-freak." Adam tilts his head back, and sniffs Tommy's neck. "Talk to her, maybe she'll let you off the hook."

Tommy shrugs, and Adam kisses his ear. It's so freaking distracting. 

"Tommy, don't settle for things. Talk to people."

He takes Adam's advice, and when he does talk to Raja she's very understanding, but still tells him that she needs him there. 

"Could I at least leave a little earlier?" he asks, pacing her office, annoyed but trying to hold it in. He doesn't want to lose this job too because of his stupid mouth. 

Raja smiles the kind of smile that has Tommy guessing that she knows a secret or two. "Tell me one thing... How do you like it on that stage now? Are you comfortable?"

Tommy stops, facing her and resting his hands against the back of one of the chairs in front of her desk. "I'm comfortable. Why?"

"Why do you think that is?"

He shrugs. "I don't know. I like being watched." He raises an eyebrow, waiting for her to answer why she's interested in this. 

Raja stands up, leaning over the desk. "You can leave after your dance on Halloween. I'll have enough dancers to fill the private rooms."

He wants to kiss her. Instead he smiles, brilliant and wide, completely without restraint, and she reaches out, touching his cheek. He has created weird relationships here, but he feels good and so god damn safe. It's like he's found his own little freak show.

Tommy moves back, taking her hand between his own. "Thank you."

She kisses his knuckles, just like that, and he would linger there if he dared, but he just takes a step back, beaming. "You're the best," he says, soft and easy, loving the look on her face. 

"I'll fall for you, baby." Raja tilts her head, bites her lip, and looks so innocent. "Be careful."

He wonders just how serious Raja is, but then decides it's a game. Raja likes to poke at him, likes to make him connect the dots, and he lets her. Maybe because she's always so sweet about it. 

When Halloween comes he is nothing but a happy little kid. He can't help it. It's always been like that, ever since his mom made him his first Frankenstein costume. He loved scaring his sister, and he loves the fact that he's able to spook Adam. He has zombie makeup on, the kind that makes him just this side of scary, but still sexy, and it's all Raja's doing. He can only marvel at her skill because dead and rotting should not be this sensual. He has ripped clothing on, barely covering his strategic parts, and maybe that's the reason why dead is the new sexy. 

He jumps in front of Adam when he comes in to the changing rooms, growls like he's ready to eat Adam's brain, and Adam screams like a girl, high-pitched and loud with all the lungs of a great singer. Tommy's ears hurt from it, but he can't stop laughing, not even when Adam takes him into a headlock, and doesn't let go. No amount of begging helps, and only after Terrance comes to his aid is he freed from Adam's clutches. 

He's still laughing when Adam gets dressed - or undressed. Adam is going to be a vampire like every year before this. It's his thing, and Tommy secretly thinks it's terribly boring, but when he sees Adam's tight black pants, and the red velvet shirt, he forgives him. That ass looks good in anything, but those pants are like a second skin. 

Tommy feels amazing dancing. He can't believe that these few months have made him a dancer, and right this minute, on that stage, he feels like a performer. He's still not liquid heat like Adam. He can't do most of the things Terrance does. He can move, and he can stay in rhythm, and he's learned to relax, but the thing he has, the one thing that makes him a little special is his willingness to show himself, show that lust inside him. He knows that's the reason why Raja hired him, and that's the thing that makes people want to watch him. He shows how it feels to touch him, how it feels to make him come, how it feels to have him. 

He still doesn't let people touch him, and Raja hasn't said anything about it. There are strict rules. If their hands wander they are out. But when they give tips they can slide their hands against skin. They can touch the necks of the dancers, their arms, their thighs, their stomachs, and Tommy has watched people touching Adam, and it's been intriguing. Yet, that's not what he wants, and so far, it's been okay. 

When he's gathered his tips he goes backstage, finds his locker, and cleans himself quickly. He doesn't want to get rid of the makeup, though. He wants to show it off to his friends. Raja is an artist, and it shows. 

"You were great out there," Adam says close to his neck. How he can sneak up on him like that is just unfair. He _feels_ Adam, yet still he can do that. 

He nods. He likes to be good at something even though this is still weird. "Adam?"

"Yeah?" Adam sits down, looks up at him, his face a question mark. 

"Do you like it when they touch you?"

Adam laughs. "It's a job. It can be nice if the person is nice. If not then it's not. It's like customer service. Assholes are assholes everywhere. But the cute ones, the ones who smile and make you feel gorgeous... Yeah, it's nice."

"Should I let them do it?" He furrows his brows, then throws the cleaning wipe into the garbage can. 

Adam is quiet for a while. "Whatever feels good to you. That's the thing. You shouldn't do anything that you're not comfortable with."

That makes him think about their last time on stage together, how Adam felt, how he continues to feel no matter how many times they end up fucking. "There's not much I wouldn't do on that stage," he says quietly. 

"I know."

"Why is that?" He sits next to Adam and leans against his locker. "I still can't believe this is my life now. What happened?"

"Can't believe it in a good or bad way?"

"I don't know. Neither. So many good things. So many things I can't talk about with friends and family. I don't know. It's just so weird. I love it here. Shouldn't I feel at least a bit jaded or something?" 

Adam grabs his hand, pulls it into his lap. "Awwww... Baby, you like it here."

"I can't help it. I feel like I should be ashamed of everything, and I'm not."

"Yeah..."

"I want to do this for a long time. Does that make me crazy?" He wants to lean his head against Adam's shoulder, and maybe he can. Maybe they are close. He tries that theory, and when Adam puts an arm around his middle he smiles, holding back the bubbling laugh. 

"This is a good place. We're all a little crazy in a very entertaining way." Adam turns a little, pulls Tommy even closer, and they are kind of hugging and kind of leaning against each other's sides. "I'm really glad you're here."

"Isn't it your turn soon?" He doesn't want Adam to go, though. 

"Fifteen minutes. Will you watch?"

He wants to, but he's already late for the party. "Can't. Friends are waiting."

Adam nods; Tommy can feel it. "Lucky friends."

Tommy grins like a fool. "Come there when you're done."

"Your party?"

He rubs his cheek against Adam's shoulder. "Yeah, it'll be fun."

"I'd meet your friends."

"They are nice. They won't bite." He's never felt this relaxed without having sex. He just is. 

Adam makes a funny sound, then says, "If you want me to."

He really wants to. Adam is a cool guy, and his friends will love him. "It's in West Hollywood. I'll give you the address." He doesn't want to get up, but he really needs to get going if he doesn't want everyone nagging at him for being late. 

He finds his notebook from his locker, writes the address down, rips the paper off the book, and gives it to Adam. "We'll be there until two at least."

Adam holds the paper like it's some kind of a treasure he's not sure he has a right to, and Tommy wonders if Adam has other plans, friends who are doing fun things, places to go, people to meet, and suddenly, he feels shy. 

He stands up, pulling his clothes over his zombie outfit, ready to leave when Adam takes hold of his chin, and turns him to face him. "Thank you for wanting to spend some time with me."

Tommy bites his lips, completely thrown off guard by Adam's eager honesty. He can't figure out which part of this fits into their not-too-serious-sexing. He pulls free, walks to the door, and then turns to give Adam a wave and a smile. "I want you to dance with me. I want to dazzle people. Don't be too late, okay?"

It's stupid, but his feet don't touch the ground when he goes to Raja to give her his tips. They chat while Raja counts, and he feels like bursting. He wants to tell Raja that he's pretty sure he'll let people touch him next week. He might. The whole fucking-on-stage has made him mad and eager, and he wants to push all the boundaries, even the ones that affect his relationships. He wants to be Adam's friend. He wants to spend time with Adam. 

Mia gathers him into her arms when he arrives, and then he gets group-hugged by all their mutual friends. Everyone thought in high school that he and Mia would someday go out, start dating, get married, make babies. Instead they exchange secrets. 

"When are you going to let me come see you at work?" Mia asks once they are finally alone, and Tommy has a cup full of green punch in his hand. They are sitting in an armchair, squeezed together, Tommy practically in Mia's lap. He's smaller so it's convenient, besides she loves his warmth. 

Tommy shakes his head. "Never."

"You should be flaunting. You should be sharing. You're too pretty to be hiding. I wanna see." She licks his ear, holds him closer with one hand. "Mike wants to see too."

"If Adam comes here tonight we'll dance for you," he says conspiratorially. "It's a big if. He might have other plans."

"Really? Oh my god... Tommy? You invited him here?" She turns his head, looks back, yelling, "Mike! Come here!"

After a short moment, Mike comes running, then crouches beside the armchair. "What now?"

"Adam," she only says, and he looks at Tommy, grinning. "No way. He never shares."

He's not sharing. He can invite friends from different places to come to the same parties as his other friends. 

"He said he'd dance in front of us. With Adam." She drinks a bit, then pulls at Tommy's hair, gently, puffing it up a bit too. 

Mike laughs. "I'll believe it when I see it. He's been so secretive."

"I'm right here," Tommy says to them both. "You don't have to talk about me like I'm not."

"Awwww..." Mia pets his hair, and that's evil, a nasty strategy to get him distracted. 

"At least we know there is an Adam," Mike says dreamily. "And not just because he talks when he sleeps." 

Tommy bristles. He has stupid friends. "Shut up." 

"When is he coming?" Mike asks, patting his knee. 

Tommy shrugs, trying to seem indifferent. "Not sure if he can come."

"He will," Mia says softly, like he needs comforting. He wants to bite her fingers, but they are doing such a marvelous job with his scalp, massaging and petting and being all warm and wonderful. He leans his head against her shoulder, sighing. 

The night is easy for all of them. The music is good, the booze is plenty, and Tommy has his closest friends with him. They talk, they drink, and they dance, and when it's almost time to leave he realizes Adam never showed up. The realization makes him feel a little sad, but he tries not to show it. It's hard, though, because he's too drunk and too tired to think properly. He's whining into Mia's neck, telling her how he'll never find anyone who can tolerate his shitty nature, and she continues to pet him like he's some kind of a puppy. It would be annoying if he didn't like it so much. 

Then one moment he's whispering something in Mia's ear and the next he's looking straight into Adam's eyes, everything around him disappearing. Mia pokes at his arm, asking something, but he doesn't hear anything, except the quiet "Oh..." when she realizes what he's looking at. 

Adam walks up to them, still wearing his vampire attire, and he looks _smoldering_ hot. That's the word that comes to Tommy's hazy mind right now, and it makes him laugh. 

"Hi, you're still here. I'm glad. Hello." Adam is babbling, and Tommy smiles, reaching out for no apparent reason. Adam still takes his hand even though it's the wrong one for a handshake. 

"I'm Mia," Mia says like the smart girl she is. "And our boy here is very drunk. Do you want to take him under your wing for a change?"

Adam hauls Tommy out of the sofa where he's been sitting with Mia and Mike, and then holds onto Tommy when he almost falls. Mia laughs, Mike joins in, and Tommy wants to flip them the finger, but he can't find his hands. They are somewhere in close contact with Adam's body. 

"I'm a bit miffed," he hears Mia say. "He promised us dancing, but I don't see that happening." 

Adam's laughter feels nice against his neck, and Tommy smiles, breathing in Adam, curling closer, his legs a useless weight. Adam is holding him up, though. 

"Does he always get like this when you're out?" Adam asks, sitting in one of the armchairs, pulling Tommy into his lap. "I've never seen him drunk." 

Mike, the lying liar, says, "Tommy was concerned." He was not. He was totally fine with the idea that Adam wouldn't come at all. Totally. 

"I know, baby," Adam says in his ear, and Tommy wonders how much of that he said out loud. He's still fine, though. He just wants another drink because Adam is too warm and smells too nice. He buries his face in Adam's neck, shameless. 

Mia, Mike, and Adam begin to chat, like they've known each other forever, like it's easy, and Tommy plays with the collar of Adam's red velvet shirt. He's so not into socializing right now. He's done enough of that for one night. 

"Are you two like together?" he hears someone ask, someone who's not his close circle, and he peeks from behind Adam's chin to see who that annoying person is. It's Josh, the best buddy of Maleck who owns the apartment and who's throwing the party with his girlfriend, Casey. How Tommy remembers all of these names is probably Mia's doing. She always tries to keep him up to speed with all the gossip in their extended group. Maleck has been dating Casey for three months, so it's a short new thing. Tommy feels proud for remembering all this, and then he looks at Josh, who's still staring at them. "I didn't know you like guys, Ratliff." 

It doesn't sound like Josh is trying to be an asshole about it, but it sounds too much like curiosity, and Tommy wants to throw what's left of his punch in Josh's face. He doesn't get a chance because Adam says, "Nah, I'm just his pillow."

Tommy pokes Adam's ribs and gets a yelp as a reward. It makes him grin. He can live with Adam being his pillow. Pillows are cool. 

"Okay, whatever. These guys are cool. No need to worry." Josh sits down, and Tommy briefly wishes he hadn't, and then everyone is talking again and he can't follow most of the conversation. He gets back to the distracting collar, and Adam's hair at the nape of his neck, and the skin behind his ear. It's fascinating how Adam moves under him every time he does something new. He tries blowing into Adam's ear, and he gets a hand on his knee. He bites Adam's neck, licks his skin there, and Adam squirms. It feels wonderful under his ass, and soon he's sitting on Adam's hard dick, and he wants to straddle Adam's hips, wants to grind into him. 

"I've never seen him like that," Mia says to Adam, secretive, but loud enough for Tommy to hear her clearly. "He really likes you."

He makes a disagreeing sound, but then realizes that's so far from truth that he ends up whispering in Adam's ear, "I do, but don't tell her. She won't leave me alone for a second if she knows."

Adam laughs, soft and teasing. "You're all over me. It's hard not to guess." 

"Am not. I'm comfortable." He leans his head against Adam's shoulder, then touches his jaw. He has two hands trying to touch Adam, but he knows one of his hands is on Adam's shoulder. Weird. 

Mia offers him a drink, and he takes it feeling super-mellow. "What is it?" he slurs, then drinks. 

"Water, honey."

At some point he realizes he's been drooling against Adam's neck, and then all of a sudden they are leaving, getting their shoes. Tommy finds himself among the jackets, trying to locate his own, but the wall is too far away and he falls into the closet face first. Adam digs him out of there, laughing so hard he's wheezing. Tommy tries to frown, but that doesn't work so well. 

Then he remembers. "We didn't dance. I wanted to show them." 

"We will, baby. We will." 

"Do me now," he says, although he meant to say: _Let's do it now._

Adam holds onto his hands, like he's about to twirl him around, but then chooses against it because he probably sees how close to falling on his face Tommy is. 

They get into a car, someone sober driving, or it might be a big taxi. He doesn't care because Adam is on his left and Mia is on his right and Mike is somewhere close by. He can hear his voice. It makes him happy. He wants to drool some more on Adam's shoulder. 

"I loved this," Adam whispers in his hair. "Thank you for inviting me." 

Tommy tries to wave his hand, but Adam is holding it. Pfft, it's nothing. He wishes he was a little more sober for this moment because he wants to tell Adam that he enjoyed the night too. Especially the part that had Adam in it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My darling beta @aislinntlc is one of the reasons why I'm able to post these stories even when I'm not so sure about what I've written. This still happens after all these years. :) Well, I hope you like it. I hope it reads well, that it's interesting. Thank you so much for reading. <3
> 
> Look at what [Stitch-84](http://stitch-84.tumblr.com/) did!! It's so cute! 


	9. Balancing With a Libra

He doesn't want to open his eyes at all. He feels so sick, so disoriented he doesn't even know where he is. It's possible he's lying on top of shoes, or something he doesn't want to get too familiar with. He vaguely remembers that they went to a bar after the party. And Adam got drunk too. 

Tommy groans. 

"Shhhh..." 

It has to be Adam, and he's close by. He's probably even lying partly on top of Tommy. 

"Water," Tommy croaks, and then he really needs to get to the toilet because everything wants to get out of his body. He tries to push himself up, still not opening his eyes. He realizes he has his jacket on, but his pants are gone. Whatever.

Adam rolls off his back, lets him get up, and then he's moving as fast as he can so his puke won't end up all over the walls. He has to open his eyes because this definitely isn't his apartment. Maybe it's Adam's. 

They managed to crawl inside, it seems. That's as far as they got. Adam is still lying on the hall floor, whining. 

Tommy rams into a corner, and then the wall is gone and he almost falls. God damn it. At least he's closer to the bathroom. He gets the door open, and then kneels, pulls the lid open, and hurls. He's never felt this awful, not even after that one time at his aunt's wedding, when his cousin and he went rowing on a lake with a bottle of rum. That had been a disaster, and it was a miracle they didn't drown. 

He flushes the toilet, then stays on the floor in case his stomach decides it can't keep in the fluids either. 

When his breathing returns to normal he finally gets up, and then fears for his poor heart. It's completely insane, beating in his ears and throat, feeling so heavy and strange it almost hurts. He leans against the sink, looking at himself in the mirror. He actually managed to break a vein while puking, and now his left eye is blood red. He looks terrible, and he's shaking all over, his hands clammy. 

He's never going to drink again. 

He brushes his teeth, and drinks a gallon of water. Then he tears off his clothes and takes a shower, because he needs to get rid of the smell of smoke and old booze. He has to sit down in the tub for a while because he feels like fainting. It's evil, and he curses vodka to the lowest level of Hell. 

Once he's finally done, he wraps himself in three different towels: one around his head, one over his shoulders and one around his waist. Then he goes to look for clothes. 

Adam's walk-in closet is huge and well-organized. For a short while, he's mesmerized by glitter and leather and colors, but then he searches through the drawers for Adam's boxer collection. He finally finds one pair that's not going to drop off of him, and then he only needs a T-shirt. 

When he's ready he looks like he's borrowing his boyfriend's clothes, but at least he doesn't look or smell like a hobo anymore. 

Then it's time for coffee. On the way to the kitchen, he glances at Adam who's still lying on the floor, and Tommy feels sorry for him. He takes a bottle of water from the fridge, a blanket from the edge of the bed, and a pillow nearby the couch, and takes all that to Adam. 

"Drink. Get up when you're ready." He puts the blanket over Adam, pushes the pillow under his head, and holds the bottle close to Adam's lips. 

Yeah, they are beyond pathetic.

The day goes by on the couch. They watch Fringe, and Adam dislikes Peter the first umpteen episodes, but Tommy doesn't care. Adam's feet are in his lap, and he's rubbing them just for the heck of it, and he has coffee. Life is good as long as he doesn't lift his head too much or try to make any sounds. Painkillers are doing wonders for his aching body, though, and he's been drinking lots of water. He doesn't feel so dead anymore. 

When it's time to go to sleep Tommy doesn't even think about going home. He wants to stay. It’s that simple.

****

It takes him weeks to get where he wants to be. 

Adam’s been sharing ideas, and Tommy finds those ideas fascinating. 

It should be a game, maybe, but it isn't. It's Adam and Tommy having long conversations over a cup of tea. It's Adam and Tommy sitting on Adam's balcony, sometimes smoking pot, sometimes just breathing the fresh air, and talking, talking, talking about life, about sex, about art and music, about performances, about movies, about theater. It's them getting to know each other. 

It's Adam getting to know Tommy's body. 

The thing is, Tommy likes to be belly down, his wrists tied to the bedpost, a blindfold over his eyes. He has done that for Jean, and for her only, not because he wouldn't have let anyone else see him that vulnerable, but because it wouldn't have done anything for him. 

This, this makes him shiver. 

His body is tense, waiting, quiet, when Adam leans over it, when Adam licks his spine from bottom to top, again and again until he can't be quiet anymore. "Please, fuck... You can do anything. Do. Anything." 

He pulls at the scarves, his hands tight fists, his cheek resting against a pillow. He remembers the word Adam made him choose, made him give to Adam, for safekeeping, for that moment he can't take this any longer. He's not anywhere near that moment, but he's impatient. Adam is thorough. It's his freaking nature. That's how Adam is built. He wants to see the tiniest details. Tommy wants to feel everything at once. 

Impatient. 

"I don't have to touch you," Adam whispers close to his ear, then bites his neck. It tickles. It makes his breath catch. "I can make you feel without touching you."

Adam is right. He can feel the heat of Adam's palm when Adam slides it over his side without touching him. It almost hurts. He whines into the pillow. 

"God, you sound good," Adam whispers against the back of his neck, and he arches his back, moves under Adam because he needs something more than this. Something. 

Adam said he wouldn't fuck him, not like this, not yet anyway, but he already wants it. 

He feels Adam moving lower, finally, holding his waist with both hands, then pushing his legs wider apart. "One day I want to show you how you look."

That makes him feel embarrassed, but he fights the feeling because Adam strokes his thighs with his hands, fingers light, palms heavy. Then he can't feel anything for a moment because Adam opens the bottle of lube, staying too far away, making Tommy squirm. 

"If you continue to do that I'll have to free you and fuck you." Adam slaps his thigh, and he lets out a surprised laugh. It does nothing to quiet down the heat rushing through him. 

He turns his face in Adam's direction, smiling. "Get on with it, or I'm gonna come all over your sheets."

"Next time, I'll give you a bell." There's a warning in Adam's voice, and it makes his heart beat faster. He deserved that. 

The pause makes him think about this, about Adam, about the way Adam makes him feel, and how much he trusts Adam. He stops thinking when he feels Adam's fingers tracing his hole, gentle but persistent. Adam is taking his time, just like he promised, and it's not easy to let him do that. Tommy wants things to progress. Adam wants to explore. That exploring usually includes lots of breathless moments for Tommy. 

Adam pushes a finger inside him, moving it slowly, like Tommy is the one who needs time. He grabs the scarves, holds onto them as hard as he can, biting his lips. He tries to breathe normally, but there's no way he can manage to do that when Adam licks him, pushes his tongue inside too, spreads him more. There's more lube too, and he's so wet everything Adam does makes an obscene sound. 

"Do something," Tommy says, almost angry all of a sudden. This is too little, not enough, not nearly enough. 

And Adam just bites his thigh, then adds another finger, but only with utmost care. There's not enough friction, not enough burn, not enough hard-loud-fast. He cries out his frustration, biting the pillow so he won't say what he's thinking, where he wants Adam to go because he's a fucking tease. Then Adam licks him again, and he mewls, losing some of his mind into that sound. 

Adam kisses the small of his back, his fingers still moving inside Tommy, careful and light, and slow, too. He can't understand how he's supposed to take this, to take these feelings, swallow the need to speed things up, and just let Adam take him wherever he wants. 

"You're doing so good," Adam says like he doesn't even realize he's saying something. 

Tommy wants to do good, but he fears he can't. Everything in him wants to collapse. He's string-tight, anxious, so out of his comfort zone he's ready to say the fucking word when Adam crooks his fingers and he sees stars, a fucking supernova. "Fuck, don't stop," he mutters against the pillow, and Adam strokes his side with his free hand. It has the exact wanted reaction, and he relaxes under the touch, lets Adam pet him, and he kind of forgets to care anymore. It feels too good. 

When he's finally quiet in Adam's hands Adam starts to rim him properly, licks him, kisses him, pushes his tongue inside him, and he pulls at the fucking scarves holding him down. He can't stop moving, his hips jerking and pushing closer to Adam, needy and ready, and he wants nothing more than to be filled by Adam. "Please," he whispers, but Adam isn't listening, just takes a stronger hold of Tommy, makes him stay still, makes him come on his tongue. 

He's shaking all over, the orgasm moving through him in waves, blinding his mind, and when it's over he just lies there, panting, laughing, incredibly out of it. 

Adam frees his hands, takes the blindfold off, then lies next to Tommy a terribly self-satisfied smirk on his face. 

"What?"

"I'm so proud of you," Adam says, and that's so far from what he imagined Adam would say that he just stares. 

Adam looks at him for a moment longer, then leans down to kiss his forehead. "It's okay."

Now he's totally lost, but he lets Adam be this way, and just lies there in his own come, too tired to care. He closes his eyes. 

"I'm falling for you," Adam whispers after a while, and he pretends he didn't hear that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm forever in debt. Seriously. @aislinntlc is so wonderful. Also, I'm very sorry for the long wait. I hope you enjoyed it. *hugs*
> 
> Here is Stitch-84's latest Tommy chibi, and it's so so so adorable. The funny thing is she also sees things I see, concentrates on the same things, notices details that are important to me. It's actually really lovely. <3


	10. You Lit Up My Broken Sky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Adam's point of view, the only one. I wanted to show him through his own thoughts, not just through Tommy's eyes. I loved writing this chapter, and it was very easy, like I was just following them around. :P

He eats ice cream because the world hates him. 

“You’ll get fat,” Brad points out, being the comforting friend he is. 

“Good.” He waves his spoon in Brad’s direction. “Then nobody will want me.” 

“Awww, baby, I would’ve bought you chocolate if you’d told me you’re feeling this miserable.” 

He eats a spoonful of the banana-mocha-cheesecake heaven, then says, “I like him.”

They are sitting on his balcony, sunbathing, but mostly he’s just sulking. It’s a perfect sunny day in the middle of January, one of the warmest they’ve had in a long time, and he hates the weather, too. 

“I hadn’t noticed.” Brad looks innocent. 

“Take me seriously, please.” He eats, eats, eats, before the ice cream melts. 

Brad looks at him for a while, his brown eyes searching. “Okay. Tell me.” 

What can he tell? “He’ll leave the moment he realizes I’m taking this too seriously. He said so. He doesn’t do relationships.” He bites his lips. “And after Rick... I just don’t want to... But we fit. You should see us. We're like a couple. It’s so easy.” He hides his face in his free hand, his heart aching for real. “If he finds out...”

He feels a hand on his shoulder, and he turns to look at Brad. “Hey, he feels the same way. I’ve seen you two. You’ve been at it for months now.”

“I know, okay? I know. But it doesn’t change the fact that the day he realizes it he’s gonna walk away.” They’ve never had the talk, he and Tommy. They’ve never said that they are together, and if Adam is completely honest, they're not. They never talk about the future. Most of the time, he doesn’t even belong in Tommy’s life. They see each other after work. They have sex, amazing, perfect, mind-blowing sex, but that’s it. When things turn serious Tommy escapes. The only time anything serious happens Tommy is drunk. “I can’t believe I want to be with him. I thought... God, I’m such an idiot. Why am I doing this to myself again? I don’t need this.”

Brad steals his spoon, digs it into his melting ice cream, licks the spoon clean, and says, “You’ve always wanted a forever after. Even with me you wanted that, and we were too young. You’re relationship material. You want to grow old with someone, love them until death do you part. One bad seed can’t change that, and you’ve been fixing yourself all these months. He’s been good for you.”

“What if he’s the worst of them all? What if he ends me?” He bites his lips because that’s him, everything right there in those words, and if Brad cracks a joke now he doesn’t know what he’ll do. 

“Hey... Come on. You’ve survived worse than this.”

He has, but this might be the final straw that breaks him. 

“I’ll be here.” Brad sounds sad, and Adam doesn’t want to look at him. “I won’t leave you.”

“Should I just walk away?” He knows he can’t. He’s neck deep in this already. 

“Do you think that would make things easier for either of you?” 

Adam puts the ice cream on the table, thinking about this thing he has with Tommy. If he’s easy Tommy won’t leave. The moment he starts to need things... “I don’t know. I just know he won’t stay.”

“If you know that then it’s not worth the heartache. But do you know that for sure or is it just past experience talking?”

“He told me that. He doesn’t do serious, not after... It’s just not something he can do.”

Brad turns on his side, staring at Adam, and then takes his hand between his own. “You need to think about yourself, what’s best for you. If it’s taking more than it’s giving then you should end it, but if... baby, if it’s something amazing don’t let fear stop you. You can’t know how this will turn out if you don’t see it through.”

He frowns, grinding his teeth together. “Yeah? But how am I gonna keep this easy and simple for him? That’s the only way...”

“You can’t do all the work. He has to grow up too.” 

They both need to grow up. Yet, here he is whining and eating ice cream. Not very grown up. He wants to scream at the world. “I don’t know how to do this.”

“Do what you’ve done so far. It seems to work. He’s been with you for the past... what? Six months?”

“More.” And Tommy hasn’t walked away. 

“So maybe you have to do this for the rest of your life to keep him. Ever thought of that?”

Adam purses his lips. “And then what? He hasn’t even met my brother. We never do anything together. I don’t even know where he lives. It’s not gonna work.” 

Brad laughs, the bastard. “So, it’s a little unconventional. Is he seeing others? Are you? Can you talk about things? Is he a nice guy? Is he anything like the bastards you’d been dating before him?”

“I don’t even know if I’m dating him. I’m too scared to ask.” He pulls his hand free, turns on his back, and stares at the concrete above him. “I hate this.”

“Maybe you need to be patient with him, or maybe you need to push at his boundaries. It’s not rocket science. Try something, and don’t expect anything.”

Easier said than done. Tommy lets him test the boundaries in bed, but everywhere else he keeps the distance, not much of it, but enough to show Adam where the line is. “Like... If I ask him to meet my grandparents he’ll take it the wrong way and bolt.”

“He’d be taking it the exact right way. Have you told him about your family?”

He shakes his head. 

“So tell him; see how he reacts to something you share, something that doesn’t concern him in any way, but is important to you. And if he can take the information without pulling away then ask him to meet them.”

“What if he doesn’t mind meeting them? I can’t... I think it’s better for both of us if we stay the way we are. I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore.”

Brad pokes his arm, not too gently, and it annoys Adam, but he says nothing. “If Birgit likes him he’s good. She detested Rick; she loved me. You should’ve listened to her.” The tone is light, joking even, but every word rings true. 

“They won’t meet. Tommy’ll say no, or I won’t ask.” He pulls at his hair, frustrated. His brain is a muddled piece of crap processor. He doesn’t even know what he wants. 

“Whatever, petal.” Brad sits up. “I need a drink. What about you?”

He nods. Something cold sounds nice. When Brad is gone his mind wanders to places it hasn’t been in for a long time. Childhood and Neil and happy times. He wants Birgit’s opinion. He needs that confirmation. He doesn’t want to make the same mistakes again, and he wants to avoid new ones. 

Maybe Tommy won’t run. 

The next day, he sees Tommy in the changing rooms, and suddenly, without any apparent reason, Adam is nervous, like he’s asking someone out for the first time. 

Nevertheless, he goes to Tommy, leans close, and breathes in his scent, and Tommy leans his back against his chest, just like that. It freaking hurts. “Hi,” he whispers because he just doesn’t have a voice. It’s gone somewhere to have a picnic with his sanity. 

“Hi,” Tommy answers, and there’s a rare smile in his voice. 

He’s not going to survive this. “Are you doing anything tomorrow?” Their shift starts at nine, and Adam has the whole day free, except Birgit is expecting a visit from him. He didn’t say anything about an avec because he doesn’t know if he can ask Tommy or if Tommy will say yes. 

“What’s up?” Tommy asks, his hands resting on top of Adam’s on his stomach. 

He knows what people mean when they say their hearts are hammering in their chest. It feels like his heart is trying to escape. “I was wondering... Would you like to... There’s something...”

Tommy laughs. “Spit it out.” 

“Come visit my Birgit,” he blurts out, then bites his lip. _Fuck_

“Your what?” Tommy laughs again, but he sounds puzzled too. 

“My grandmother. Please?” He frantically tries to think about something else to say, but nothing comes to his mind, nothing that would make this lighter. 

Tommy turns in his arms, and pulls back a little so Adam lets go even though he wants to hold on. He doesn’t want to look into Tommy’s eyes because he doesn’t want to see what’s there. “Oh...” It’s not so bad. It’s mostly surprise. 

“She’s the nicest person there is. You can wear anything. She knows what I do for a living. She occasionally uses the word shite.” And now he’s babbling because god, he doesn’t want to make mistakes. 

“Okay,” Tommy says, looking at him with suspicious eyes. “You’re being weird, but okay... If I don’t have to remove the nail polish and she won’t comment on my hair.”

“Deal,” he says and extends his hand, then quickly pulls it back when Tommy just stares at it. What is wrong with him? “Is four okay?” 

Tommy nods, still that strange look in his eyes, like he’s onto Adam. Even though he himself has no idea what he’s doing.

Birgit lives in Woodland Hills and it’s a pretty long drive there, but it’s not yet the worst traffic hour, and Adam enjoys driving. They listen to Imogen Heap, the silence between them slightly uncomfortable because Adam doesn’t know where they stand. 

“So...” Tommy says after a while. “Why your grandmother?” 

“And not my mother?”

Tommy nods, but doesn’t look at him. 

“Our parents died when we were young.” He tries to say it lightly because it was such a long time ago, and he doesn’t want this to be too heavy, too serious. He still fears Tommy will tell him to turn the car around.

“Sorry to hear that.” He sounds genuine, and Adam appreciates it. 

“We had it good. My dad’s parents were able to take us in, and we didn’t go into the system. I got to keep him, my little brother.” He smiles at that because when they were little Neil needed him. 

“I’m glad.” Tommy glances at him, and there’s a small smile on his face. “Are there going to be others or just her?”

“Just her, and it’s nothing... nothing serious, okay? Don’t fret.”

“Sure.” 

“What?” He looks at Tommy quickly, but nothing tells him what’s going on inside his head. 

“You’re taking me there because you trust her opinion.” 

And the cat is out of the bag. “What if I am?”

“I’m not good with parents. They never like me. I won’t be getting her off your back. Just a fair warning.”

“Getting her off my back?” Now he’s confused. 

“You know... She wants you to settle in; I’m the candidate to show her that everything’s fine. But I’m not that material. None of the parents have ever liked me.”

Adam looks out of the side window, trying to think of something smart to say. Tommy thinks this means nothing else but him trying to make his old mom happy. “Don’t worry. Birgit is one of those no-nonsense people. She doesn’t care about appearances. She cares about the hearts of people, and yours is gorgeous.”

Tommy says nothing, but Adam can feel the change in him, how he pulls away, hides behind the air of indifference. If he was feeling uncomfortable before now he’s anxious. Adam wants to pull over and throttle Tommy, but he drives on. 

When they reach the house Tommy sits up straight, and it’s painfully obvious how nervous he is. If none of the parents have ever liked him Adam doesn’t blame him. No matter how little Tommy thinks this is real, he still doesn’t want to be hated by someone who’s important to Adam. 

“Hey, I wasn’t lying. She’s the sweetest person you’ll ever meet.” He puts a hand on Tommy’s shoulder, but Tommy pulls away, gets out of the car, staring at the front door. 

Adam rings the bell, then puts his arm around Tommy’s waist because he wants to share his strength. This time, Tommy doesn’t resist. 

Birgit opens the door, jumps Adam before hellos, kisses him silly, and then turns to Tommy, and when he isn’t showing any signs of running away she hugs him too and kisses his cheek. “Welcome,” she finally says, then pulls them in. 

She guides them through the house to the back and then outside onto the terrace. She sits them down, then goes to get tea and freshly baked apple pie. 

“She will feed you until you explode,” Adam warns Tommy. “No is a perfectly good answer.” 

Then she’s back, and she sits down, asking questions with all the enthusiasm of a 75-year-old mother. “How is everything? Is Brad still doing auditions? How’s Raja? Have you done anything nasty on stage lately? What about singing? Do you still see that lovely voice instructor - what’s her name?” On and on it goes, and Adam answers the best he can. Every once in awhile, she asks if Tommy needs something more, or if he’s comfortable. And the longer it goes on, the clearer it becomes to Tommy that he’s not under an interrogation. In fact, Birgit mostly bullies Adam with questions, and gives Tommy all the room he could ever ask for. It’s clear this treatment makes him more relaxed, and he just listens to the conversations Adam has with Birgit. He doesn’t seem to mind being left out most of the time. 

When they leave Tommy asks in the car, “How did I do?” like he’s nervous he blew it. 

“You did great. She loved you.” Adam realizes it’s true. He didn’t see her wrinkle her nose, or shake her head, or give any of the other signs that tell him just how displeased she is with someone. Birgit never said to him that she disliked Rick from the start, but she never asked about him either, never brought him up, never wanted to be a part of his life, like she wants to be a part of everyone’s lives who are close to Adam. Now, he needs to prepare for questions about Tommy. He’s sure she saw through him. 

“She was nice. I love her accent.” Tommy relaxes against the seat, and Adam hides a smile. There are times when he just wants to hug Tommy because he’s too adorable for words. 

“She came here to study when she was twenty. She’s from Norway originally.” 

Tommy nods, but Adam is pretty sure Tommy has no idea where Norway is. “She talks a lot, just like you, but it’s not annoying at all.” 

He makes an agreeing sound, hoping that Tommy will continue to talk. He loves Tommy’s honesty mode, the way he says everything he thinks if he feels safe enough. 

“Is she a good cook?” Tommy asks next. 

“Amazing. Want to have a dinner with her someday?” He hopes he doesn’t sound too eager. 

Tommy is quiet for a moment, then says, “Okay, why not.”

Adam wants to let out a sigh of relief, but that would be too revealing. He just breathes, breathes, breathes until his breaths are even on their own. 

“I know what you’re doing,” Tommy says all of a sudden, and there goes all his efforts to breathe like a normal person. 

He swallows a breath, then coughs it up. “What?” he croaks. 

“I know you’re trying to fool me.”

Adam glances at Tommy, all that fear probably clear in his eyes. 

“Try harder.” The words are accusing, hurt, angry, frustrated, and a tiny bit hopeful, and Adam clings to that. He doesn’t dare to say anything, but he takes Tommy’s hand, holds it for a moment before he needs to change the gear again. 

He puts the music on again, opens his window, and then smiles wide, glancing at Tommy who’s looking out of the side window, his body tense. It’s a ride; it’s a hell of a ride, but he wants to go for it. “Okay,” he says softly, and he swears he can see the side of Tommy’s mouth curl up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Stitch-84](http://stitch-84.tumblr.com/) did it again. These are so lovely.


	11. With a Smile, I'll Tear You Open

Tommy lies on his stomach on Adam’s bed, watching videos on Youtube, Adam’s iPad propped against a pillow. He’s naked, his knees bent, and he’s swinging his legs from side to side. 

Adam is somewhere out grocery shopping, and the fact that Tommy is staying in Adam’s apartment while Adam isn’t there has registered somewhere in the back of his mind. The thought is doing damage to his otherwise mellow mood. 

His body still aches, still holds the memories Adam’s fingers printed onto his skin. His throat is a little sore because Adam had his arm around it, kept him down, held him close. 

He also remembers the sweet kiss afterwards, the one that seemed like it would never end. Adam didn’t want to let go, and he didn’t want to let Adam let go of him. 

Tommy turns his head towards the door when he hears it open. Adam is carrying two paper bags full of food, and he’s balancing a cup holder, too. Tommy smells coffee, and he turns more on his side, smiling. “Awwwww... Did you bring me coffee?”

Adam doesn’t say anything because his phone is in his mouth, the car keys still hanging from one of his fingers. 

He wants to get up. He wants to go to Adam, help him a little, but he’s also enjoying the show. 

Adam gets into the kitchenette without breaking anything, and when the bags are safely on the counter he drops everything else too, toes off his shoes, and laughs, the sound bright and easy. “You’re still here.” He says it with so much honest feeling that Tommy feels himself blush. 

People usually share things like that: how much they like someone, how nice it is to spend time with them, how easy it is to enjoy their company. He knows there’s something wrong with him because he can’t take it, not even from good friends, but he brushes the thought out of his mind, sitting up and waiting for Adam to bring him his tasty-smelling coffee. He even holds out his hands. He can’t help it. 

“Next, you want me to run you a bath, don’t you?” Adam asks, handing him the paper cup he’s so craving for. “High-maintenance.” It’s a mutter under Adam’s breath, but Tommy hears it anyway. Adam sounds so pleased Tommy has to look up, look at Adam over the rim of his cup. 

He’s sitting on the bed, his legs crossed, and he pulls a pillow into his lap, not to cover anything, but to have something to lean against. 

Adam busies himself with the groceries, puts them away while singing something light-hearted. It reminds Tommy of the songs his grandmother used to sing to him, and he wonders if Adam learned it from Birgit. 

“Movie night?” he asks Adam before he even thinks about it. 

Adam turns to look at him, and there’s hope on his face before he masks it with vague interest. “Miami Vice? I just borrowed it from Brad.”

“Yeah, sounds good.” 

The fact is he’s already starting to feel the pressure. Adam is only human, and even he can’t hide well enough what he truly wants. Adam should know better. 

And now he’s trapped himself to another night of being close to Adam. 

He leans his back against the pillows, watching Adam, wondering just how long he can stay. The funny thing is he wants to stay. He knows Adam knows it too. The trick is to keep him wanting it more than fearing it. 

It doesn’t help that he can analyze it. He’s talked about it with Mia. Even Adam knows parts of his peculiar inner world. But there’s no way of knowing when he’ll snap and leave. 

Adam stops moving about, just stops and stands there, making Tommy nervous all of a sudden. He doesn’t want this to be the end. 

“Where do you live?” It’s such an easy question, but Tommy almost chokes on his drink. He hasn’t told Adam? It’s never come up? That makes him grin because Adam is taking steps, and they are such babies that Tommy thinks he should probably make Adam feel less scared about asking questions. 

“In Burbank with Mike and Dave. When I lost my apartment Mike didn’t let me leave theirs. He literally blocked the exit. He can be so annoying, but he cares.” He waits for Adam to say something, but nothing happens for a moment. 

He can hear himself breathe. 

Adam sighs, then moves closer, taking his jacket off and tossing it on a chair. Tommy scoots over, holding his coffee carefully, and Adam sits next to him on the bed, his long legs stretched in front of him. “How’d you meet the guys?”

He kind of likes Adam’s questions. “High school. We had a band together, still do, but Mike is too busy for anything real.” He leans his head against Adam’s shoulder, the pillow still in his lap. 

Adam’s body close to his has always been a perfect distraction.

“Want to play for me some time?” 

Adam sounds odd and he tilts his head back to see what’s going on, but Adam doesn’t reveal anything, just stares ahead. “I can bring my guitar next time,” Tommy says carefully.

“That’d be nice.” 

The moment is pressing on him, and he wonders what Adam really wants to ask.

“I’m glad,” Adam says suddenly, smiling, and Tommy doesn’t know how to react to that. With a few easy words, Adam has wiped away the heavy feeling. 

“Why?” 

“Nothing... Forget it.” Adam lies further down, closing his eyes. The smile is still on his face, and he looks so content. 

Oooh, he hates people who do that. “Tell me.” He pokes at Adam, but that has no effect on him. 

“It’s a secret.” He sounds so pleased Tommy can’t help the smile. 

“Come on. You can’t do that.”

Adam opens his eyes, looks at him for a long while, then says quietly, “You just don’t talk about yourself. It doesn’t mean you don’t want to share things. I like that. That’s all. I like you.”

“Oh...”

“Yeah, I just thought you didn’t want to tell me anything because... well, we’re not supposed to be doing anything that might lead to something more. But... It’s not that, is it?” 

He feels a little betrayed by Adam’s honesty because he thought they had agreed on trying to keep it simple so he could stay - at least a little longer. “I learned early on that people aren’t really interested in me. If they ask questions they are interested in the gruesome stuff, or they’re just trying to be polite and then continue to talk about themselves... So I learned not to say anything. Less trouble that way, and everyone is happier. I won’t bore them, and they will get to talk about themselves as much as they like.”

“So what do you think of my questions?” Adam still manages to look peaceful, and it somehow makes Tommy more agitated. He doesn’t understand at all how Adam’s mind works. 

“I think... People who’ve had their face in the mud are usually a little more humble, and you’re genuinely interested.” 

“I’ve had my face in the mud?”

He wonders again what Adam really wants. “Humiliated, yeah.”

“And you too?”

Tommy shrugs. 

“Why do you want to run away?” He can see the way Adam grabs the sheets, twists his fingers around the fabric, but otherwise Adam stays still, easy. 

“Talking doesn’t really help, you know.” To his surprise, he doesn’t feel uncomfortable anymore. The more serious this gets, the less he stresses over it, and the fact that Adam is now nervous makes him relax. “I’ve talked about this with Mia many times. The only conclusion we’ve come to is that I just don’t have what it takes to build a relationship with someone.”

“You were with Jean for two years.” It’s a statement, not an accusation, and Tommy turns on his side, sliding his arm across Adam’s chest, resting it there. 

“I was with Nina for a year, too. That didn’t stop me from never letting her close enough to have anything with her.”

Adam is quiet for a moment, then asks, “Was Nina after Jean?”

“We broke up before I lost my previous job, so yeah, after.”

“And before Jean?” 

“I wasn’t with anyone.”

Adam strokes his hair, and it feels nice. “Then she defined relationships for you. She was that strong.”

“Bullshit, Adam. I made mistakes that I regret, and it wasn’t always easy, but she didn’t make me like this.”

“You wanted to stay with her, though?”

He thinks about that, drawing a circle on Adam’s chest over the T-shirt he’s wearing. Adam has his arm around his shoulder, pulling him closer. “She knew how to handle me.”

“Did she?”

There were things that didn’t always feel good, but mostly, what they had was perfect. “Yeah.”

“How did she handle you?”

Even Mia hasn’t asked that question. “I’ve told you before. She knew what to do with me. She made me relax. We had fun, and it was easy. I’ve always been a loner, even as a kid, and she knew how to leave me be. And she knew when to push. It almost felt like she could read my mind.”

Adam’s fingers curl tighter around his shoulder, then he says, “But she also fucked with your mind?”

This again? “She was... thoughtless sometimes, forgetful. So things happened. It wasn’t much. The hard part was losing her.”

“Why?” Adam asks quietly. 

“Because I loved her, because I was nothing after she was gone. I had nothing. She took everything with her.” Now the conversation starts to affect him. He doesn’t like the way Adam has guided him here, how easy it has been for Adam to pry him open. 

“Did she take your personality, too?” It’s even more quiet, like Adam is afraid something bad will happen if he says the words. 

The question annoys him, but he answers honestly, “Yeah, she did.” 

Jean knew how to make him do and be things, but it never bothered him, not until she was gone and he didn’t know how to be anything anymore. 

“How was she thoughtless?” 

If he’d known innocent questions would lead to this he wouldn’t have answered. Now, he doesn’t know how to stop. “She didn’t always remember to untie me. I’d wake up, and I couldn’t go anywhere while she was at work or something...” The way Adam holds him closer makes him look up, makes him explain. “She was always sorry when that happened. The first time nearly killed her with guilt.”

Adam kisses the top of his head. “First time? How many times did she forget you like that?”

“It wasn’t like that.” He hears how stupid he sounds, defending her. He knows. He’s known for a long time now. Maybe he knew back then too. “She didn’t hurt me on purpose.”

“Did you like everything she did? Did you have a safeword?” 

“We were young.” He bites his lip. Fuck Adam. “We didn’t do everything right.”

“Maybe she left because she realized what she was doing, and didn’t want to hurt you anymore.”

That’s so much bullshit he pulls away, sits up properly, facing Adam, so angry he’s shaking all of a sudden. He puts his coffee on the bedside table so he won't spill it all over the bed. “You weren’t there. You don’t know jack shit about her.”

“But you’re reacting to it.” Adam stays still, watching Tommy carefully. 

“We can dig through my past, and you’ll never find the reasons. I am what I am. I can’t be what you want me to be. Fucking accept that!”

“What I want from you, and what I want for you are two separate things. I don’t give a damn about what I want right now.”

“No, you’re just curious.” Tommy wants to throw his hands in the air. He wants to get up and leave, but something twists inside him, and he stays. “You want to know if she abused me? You want to know if she hurt me? If I’m like this because my first girlfriend was an abusive asshole? Ask me what she did? How she stripped off my personality, and made Mia worried, made her almost destroy our friendship because she dared to ask about it. Yes, okay, yes. I soiled myself more than once because of her, because she was a neglectful bitch. She did things I didn’t like. She made me think that she was the center of my universe, and I wanted to be everything she wanted. Happy? Is that what you wanted to hear?”

Adam looks shocked, then reaches out, touching Tommy’s knee. He slaps Adam’s hand away because he can’t deal with gentle right now. He’ll bite and kick and scream if Adam tries. 

“I should’ve known this before I tied you up, baby.”

And that is what Adam says? That is what he concentrates on? It makes Tommy laugh, and it becomes this bouncing river of laughter, his stomach aching and his eyes watering. “Whatever,” he manages to say finally. 

“I wouldn’t have--”

“I don’t want your fucking pity. You asked. You wanted to know. So yes, I was stupid enough to let a woman abuse me for years, and then I mourned losing her far longer than I was with her. I'm that stupid. I really am.”

Adam just stares at him.

“I'm such a sick fuck. All the things I want people to do to me... How should she have known that I don't want all of it. I don't like to be humiliated. I don't like to be hit or hurt or left alone helpless. I... never told her that. And she was grossed out by some of the things I liked. Sometimes she would say that I was weird for wanting something... like being choked, that maybe I had a death wish, and it wasn't sexy at all... wanting to die wasn't sexy.”

“You don't want people to do anything to you,” Adam says after Tommy stops talking. “You want someone you trust to take you to that peaceful place inside your head where you don't question anything and you just feel. To you the things that can take you there are different from what they are to others. We're all a little special in that way, and it's a good thing. But only if it's consensual.”

“I know that.” He knew it back then too, yet still, he let it happen. 

“She broke that trust. You trusted her, and she abused her power. She did that.”

“We never talked about it, not like you and I talked. That was so weird, the way you wanted me to tell you what I can’t and won’t do. I knew you’d untie me. You’re so careful.”

Adam finally sits up, crossing his legs and leaning his elbows on his knees. “But it would’ve been good if I’d known this because... You got used to being neglected. That’s what’s normal to you, and you might not be able to tell me that something makes you too uncomfortable. Even if you have a safe word it doesn’t help you if you don’t use it. If you’re too used to getting hurt that’s what you’ll expect.”

“I’m not used to getting hurt. Nobody has done anything to me for a long time, and what happened with her wasn’t like everyday or anything. Most of the time it was good. And I did love her.”

“You haven’t let anyone close enough to hurt you, and I’m the only other person you’ve ever subbed to. You’re hiding, love.”

“A therapist would beat you up with a shovel for saying things like that to me. You can’t tell someone how they feel. Isn’t that like one of the basic rules of how to help people?” He’s trying to be light, trying to joke, but it all turns flat. 

Adam bites his lips. “I’m not trying to be a therapist. I’m trying to make you realize that you’re not the asshole here. It’s not your fault you don’t want anyone to fall in love with you. People who do will eventually see things you don’t want them to see, and I can understand that. I gave him 40 000 dollars over the years. I took a loan to get him through the non-existent treatments. I took him to places, created all kinds of lovely memories together because he could’ve died any moment. We were so close. He knew everything about me. I took him to my parents' graves. I gave him everything. And none of that mattered to him at all. I was just someone convenient, someone willing, someone easy. He took my heart and ripped it to pieces, not caring one bit who I was or what I had to offer. So I understand something about not wanting others to see what a fool you are, but the truth is you’re not a fool. You trusted her. You showed her a vulnerable side of yourself, and she didn’t know how to take care of you. She had no idea how to handle you. And she might not have done it because she was evil, but nevertheless, she did damage. She hurt you, and you didn’t deserve it.”

All of a sudden Tommy feels exhausted. He doesn’t want to think about this. He doesn’t want Adam to analyze him. “You should run me that bath,” he says after a while, knowing that he’s ignoring a huge part of their conversation: Adam sharing things, and that makes him a dickhead. He just can’t do it right now. He can barely admit to himself that he walked out of an abusive relationship, and what was left of him afterwards wasn’t much. 

There’s a hint of hurt on Adam’s face, but it quickly disappears and is replaced by evil planning. Before he even realizes what’s happening Adam has picked him up and is carrying him to the bathroom. The pillow is gone, and he’s completely naked, but Adam doesn’t seem to care. He puts his arms around Adam’s neck and leans close. He’s a little afraid, but he doesn’t want to show it. 

When they get to the bathroom Adam sits him down on the toilet bowl and starts filling the tub. He pours a lot of bath oil and shower gel into the tub, and it’s soon full of bubbles. Adam lifts him up again and helps him into the tub, the hot water surrounding him. It feels so, so good. “Thank you.” It’s a pure purr, and Adam laughs. He closes his eyes because this is heaven. 

They are quiet for a long time, Adam kneeling on the floor beside the tub. 

Tommy smiles. “I never trusted her completely,” he says, waiting for a moment if Adam wants to comment somehow. “I trust you. I let you fuck me on stage.” That makes him laugh, and he hears Adam moving closer, then feels Adam’s fingers in his hair. “I’ve never trusted anyone the way I trust you. And I don’t want to leave. Please find a way to make me stay.” When Adam just keeps brushing his fingers through Tommy’s hair Tommy continues, “I meant what I said in the car. I mean it even more now. Make me stay.”

“I’m falling for you,” Adam whispers. “You sneaked up on me.”

At least he can take it this time. “I know.” He bites his lip, then smiles.

“I didn’t mean to. I’m so fucking afraid. Sorry.”

It’s out in the open now, and it’s not as bad as he imagined. Adam isn’t demanding; he’s apologizing, and it’s kind of sweet but horrible, too. “I’m gonna mess this up. It’s not gonna work. You’ll hate me, and I’ll walk away. You’re not gonna like it.”

“I don’t care.”

“She hurt me.”

“Yeah...”

“People shouldn’t do things like that.” And now he can’t control himself at all. 

Adam touches his ear gently. 

“I can’t do this. I won’t be enough. You’ll hate me.”

“I’m already under your spell.”

He grabs the edge of the tub, trying not to think when he says, “Please don’t do this to me. I can’t survive another person who’ll become the center of my universe.”

“I won’t be like her. I’ll never abandon you.”

“This just hurts.” He doesn’t dare to open his eyes although he’d like to see how Adam looks. “I haven’t... even tried.”

Adam kisses him, then says close to his ear, “It’s enough if you try a little. Not even all the time. Just give me enough that I’ll know you’re there, and only as much as you can give without needing to leave.”

“I can’t believe this. I told you I’m gonna rip your heart out. Don’t let me do that to you. Please?”

“And I told you you can’t. Even now, you’re thinking about me. That’s enough, baby. Enough.”

He feels his face twist, all that emotion coming out of him. He must look awful, but he can’t hold it back. “I’ve never been enough.”

“You are to me.”

He laughs, a little bitter perhaps, but also because there’s nothing else he can do. “You must have low standards then.”

Adam pulls away, and that makes everything in him sink, fear gripping his heart tight. This is why he never opens himself up to people. They can’t handle it. 

But instead of leaving, Adam steps into the tub, all his clothes still on. He pushes and pulls Tommy and finally gets them where he wants: Adam leaning against the back of the tub, Tommy between his thighs, his back resting against Adam’s chest. He doesn’t say anything, and that makes it so much better.

After a while, Tommy relaxes because there’s nothing Adam is asking for, nothing he can’t give. 

Then when he feels like doing it, he turns around in Adam’s arms, looks into his eyes while opening Adam’s pants, careful because he doesn’t want to be too abrupt, doesn’t want to break the quiet space. Adam’s hands stroke his arms and sides, and it’s easy to see how much he affects Adam. 

He grins because he’s never done this before. He takes a deep breath, and sees the realization on Adam’s face, Adam’s fingers digging into his shoulders. Then he goes underwater, his eyes closed because the water is still full of bubbles. He has his hand around Adam’s cock, and he licks the head, the slit, and Adam’s hips jerk forward even though it’s clear he’s trying to hold still, his hands rigid while holding Tommy’s arms.

It’s weird and good, and he smiles when he sucks Adam into his mouth as deep as he can. He feels the need to breathe; he knows he should get up already, but he doesn’t want to. 

Adam pulls him up after a short while, pulls him into a hug and a kiss, and it’s desperate, something he’s never quite felt with Adam. And then Adam has him sitting on his cock, and he’s not ready for it, but he doesn’t care. He’s still a little wet from earlier, and it’s enough. Adam tries to hold him there, but he pushes down, spreading around Adam, and all sound leaves his body, his mouth open, his eyes on Adam. 

It’s so slow he feels the panic spreading in him, but he ignores it, and just makes love to Adam, his hands on Adam’s shoulders. Adam’s hands are on his waist, stroking, gentle, and it’s never been like this. It’s not about sex or orgasms or even about feeling good. It’s about being connected to someone, being a part of someone, and it scares the shit out of him.

The water around them moves with them, Adam lifting him up and then pulling him down, the rhythm perfect and balanced, like they’ve always done it like this. 

He’s shaking with need, his nose almost touching Adam’s, and he wants to kiss Adam, but he doesn’t even know how. He doesn’t want to break the balance, and it feels so fragile. Adam touches his mouth with his own, kisses him lightly, his tongue teasing Tommy, and Tommy kisses him back, opening his mouth, letting Adam in. 

Adam’s hands slide down on his ass, and he’s touching them where they are connected, his fingers so gentle it almost hurts. Tommy tries to keep some part of himself together, but he can’t because Adam is inside him, holding him, stroking him, and he can feel the love, too. It hurts so much he whines into Adam’s mouth, and Adam wraps his arms tight around him, holds him so close it’s suffocating. The friction is enough, everything is enough, and he starts coming, his whole body shaking from the force of it, and Adam holds him through it, comes inside him, his body rigid under Tommy’s. 

He curls in Adam’s lap, pulls his hands close to his chest, and just lies there, Adam slipping out of him. He listens to Adam’s heartbeats, how they are slowing down, and it’s somehow soothing. 

Even now, Adam doesn’t say anything. He’s only showing his affection by holding Tommy. 

He doesn’t have many words either, but he wants to say something. Not everything can be said through actions. “I’m open right now, and I’m terrified. Please be good to me.”

Adam kisses the top of his head, his hold on him tightening again. “You’re making me so happy. I promise to be careful.”

“Thank you.” It’s such a stupid conversation, but he’s so grateful Adam is having it with him. “Be patient with me.”

“If I get to keep you I’m willing to jump through hoops. I’m crazy that way.”

He smiles, tilting his head back and looking up. “Burning hoops?”

“Those too.”

The idea of keeping himself feeling like this, keeping himself open for Adam is paralyzing, but he wants to try. 

He wants to love back, just a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the long wait. I was in London to see Queen with Adam, and then I did 10 hour days at work to finish off everything. So yeah, I was a bit busy for a while. I also met Tommy briefly which was wonderful because the boy is equally precious in real life. And how do I still write about them after meeting him? I'm not writing real life. They are not my characters. :D I said to my husband the other day that it's like actors and their scripts. I'm writing scripts to them, nothing more. :) Yeah, they were all very friendly together, and Tommy and Sauli spend time with each other as you've probably seen from the pics. The boys are wonderful in real life, and I wish them nothing but happiness. In my stories they are often pretty messed up. Poor things. :P 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. It's angsty. I hope it shows what I want to show. Again, I can't read it the way it reads to you, and it stresses me beyond anything I could ever even explain, but I only have to trust that it works... Or then it doesn't and I suck at this. /o\ Anyway, I'll post now. Thank you for reading and following this story and commenting and being so wonderful about everything. You're so wonderful. <3333
> 
>   
> This is one of my favorites. [Stitch-84](http://stitch-84.tumblr.com/) did a wonderful job. Looove.


	12. Just Keep Holding My Hand

“I’m with Adam,” he confesses to Mia who stares at him for five solid seconds, then puts her arms around his neck and kisses him. 

When she pulls back she doesn’t go far, her fingers still crossed at the nape of his neck. There are actual tears in her eyes. “You’ve left me fucking speechless,” she whispers, then giggles. “I really like him.” 

“I really like him too.” That’s an even easier confession, but still his voice wavers. 

“I can see that.” She bites her lips to hold back the trembling. “I’m so happy.” She’s still whispering as though she’s afraid that she’ll be able to jinx it somehow. 

Tommy pulls out of Mia’s hold, but takes her hand into his own. He guides her to their table. It’s a fancy restaurant, and they are here to celebrate: spring, new beginnings, their friendship. It’s a little tradition they built after Jean.

“I’ve ordered the appetizers, and they recommend the lamb chops. Want that?”

She nods, still too moved to speak.

They talk nonsense, circling around the subject Mia clearly wants to bring up, but Tommy doesn’t give her a chance, not until dessert. Then he says, “Thank you for supporting me back then.”

Her smile is pained but bright. “I’m just happy you’re moving on.”

Tommy looks at her, swirling his spoon in the chocolate mousse. “It’s his doing. He’s very good with people. He’s like a human-whisperer or something.” He answers her smile. “I want to believe that he is what he says he is. I want to believe that this can work.”

“I see a bright future for you two,” Mia says lightly. “I see your happy little subby ass getting exactly what you want.”

He stares at her. “Mia.” He’s a little shocked, and she just laughs. 

“Do you seriously think I don’t know you? Or see how you're with him? He practically owns the air you breathe.”

Tommy fears it might have been a mistake to tell her about Adam because everything in him pulls back into hiding. He struggles with words when she interrupts his thoughts. “You’re blooming with him. Don’t let anything stop you. Please.” She takes his hand, holds it between her own. “You deserve to be happy. I don’t know anyone who deserves it more than you do.” 

He realizes that she’s not laughing at him, and then he wonders just how stupid he has to be to even think that she would. “So... You think this might be it?”

“I’ve been hoping for that ever since I met him.” 

“And Mike?”

Mia smiles. “He wants you to man up and admit already that you’re smitten. He wants Adam to sing parts on your record. He wants to have the right to ask things from him.”

That makes him laugh. “Why hasn’t he said anything?”

“Because you’re delicate, a rare flower that--”

“Shut up.” He throws his napkin at Mia.

“His words, not mine.” But she’s grinning from ear to ear, and he knows she’s making all that up. The part about the record is probably true, though. Mike is dedicated even if he doesn’t have enough time to do what he wants. He’s trying to make enough money to get his little sister to a good school. 

Mia sobers up. “But seriously, we all just want you to be happy. I haven’t seen you this happy in a long, long time.”

It’s shocking to realize that he feels lighter, more together, more balanced than in years, and it’s weird and refreshing. “Yeah...”

When he gets home that night he hugs Mike out of the blue, and doesn’t even explain anything. They are affectionate fuckers, but there’s usually a reason for it. This time, he doesn’t give one, and poor Mike just stares at him with round eyes. Tommy is not gonna tell him that he has fallen in love, and thanks to his friends, he’s still here to experience that. 

He calls Adam, lying on his bed, and there are butterflies in his stomach, like this is the first time he’s calling Adam. 

“Hi there, boyfriend,” Adam answers, and the smile that spreads on Tommy’s face is nearly painful. It’s so wide. 

“Hi.” He’s bursting with happiness, and he doesn’t want to think about anything. He just wants to feel. “Are you up for tomorrow?” They are going to his parents’ place to a traditional Ratliff family gathering. Everyone will be there, and only his mom knows he’s dating Adam. 

“I can’t wait,” Adam says softly. “It’s your family, people who raised you, people who love you and know you. I can’t wait to say hi to them.”

Everyone is always so scared of parents, but not Adam, he’s excited, and Tommy wonders if it’s partly because his own are dead. Maybe Adam appreciates family even more because he lost his a long time ago. “Come pick me up at eleven, okay?”

Adam says he won’t be late, sounding like a true gentleman, and that’s it, Tommy is smitten. 

The trip to his parents’ place is quiet, except that Adam keeps singing along with the radio, and it makes all the little butterflies in Tommy’s stomach even more active. Adam’s voice is like a siren song. He wants to crawl under Adam’s skin and just stay there. That thought should be disturbing. 

When they get to his parents’ house it’s clear it’s not just his mom who knows. Everyone does, and they are eager to shake hands with Adam and ask him questions, and they all want to make him feel welcome. It’s a bit unnerving, and when his dad asks to talk with Adam alone in his office he loses it and goes to the children’s tent to drink strawberry juice and eat cookies. 

Mary-Ann, one of his oldests cousins, wants to know exactly how he met Adam. She’s ten, and she knows everything about boys and girls. 

He leaves out all the x-rated parts of the story, and tells her how they met at work, and how nice it has been to realize that they have a lot in common. His cousins know he’s a performer, but they have no idea what kind, but they do know he can dance, and Mary-Ann asks him to show them. 

Right when he’s about to do that, Adam steps into the tent, and it’s nothing but giggles and screams after that. Adam doesn’t know his cousins, isn’t quick enough to protect himself, and they all gather around him, grabbing his arms and legs, talking over each other, demanding his attention.

Tommy is a little surprised to see that Adam is relaxed and smiling, and it doesn’t seem like his dad scared him much. Maybe it wasn’t a warning. 

_Help me,_ Adam mouths to him, but Tommy just smiles. This is his family; Adam should learn to fight his own battles. 

They have a barbecue, Tommy’s family sitting at two long tables, the children running around the yard. Tommy is a little jealous of how easily Adam charms his family, too. His friends are already in Adam’s pockets, and now his immediate family too? He should probably be happy about it, but it’s also a little upsetting. They are his. And they’ve been his for a long time. 

Jean is the only girlfriend he’s ever brought home, and his mom thought he would marry her. She’s been waiting for him to find someone, to find love, to find happiness after Jean. His downward spiral has been so bad that she seems to settle for anything, either that or he’s really not giving her enough credit. 

She didn’t even hesitate when he told her that he’s dating Adam. He dropped the bomb out of nowhere, and she got so excited that for five minutes he couldn’t get a word out. It’s possible she doesn’t care. He thought his father would care. Or his uncles. Or someone. But nobody freaking cares that he’s dating a guy even though he’s only had girlfriends before. It’s like they all have been waiting for this to happen. 

A part of him wants to stomp out of the house, make a scene, but mostly he’s ridiculously happy that his family doesn’t give a damn that he’s bi. 

At one point, Mary-Ann takes his hand and whispers, “We have something for you.” Helen takes Adam’s hand, and then they are pulled to the edge of the yard, under the cherry trees and further away until they are far enough from everyone else that they can’t hear their conversations. 

“We made this for you,” Helen says, and pushes Adam closer to Tommy. 

“Yeah.” Mary-Ann lets go of Tommy and takes a step back. “Stay here as long as you want. If you need anything just call. We’ll be here in a second.”

When the kids are gone they stare at each other in a baffled silence, then look at what the girls have done. There’s an open tent waiting for them, and there are blankets and pillows on the ground, and strawberries and sparkling wine, too. 

Tommy snorts, rubbing the back of his head. 

“They’re lovely.”

“They worship the ground under my feet,” Tommy says, embarrassed as hell. “Sorry. You have no idea how the Christmases are in my family. All the children want to play with me. All of them, at once, and not all together, and it’s a disaster every time--”

Adam puts a finger over his lips. “I said they’re lovely. I mean it. Look at this.” Adam takes him to the tent, and they sit down on the pillows, cross-legged. 

He picks up the sparkling wine, grinning. “It’s non-alcoholic.” 

Adam bursts into laughter, but holds out his glass anyway. 

Tommy opens the bottle, fighting with the cork for a little while, and when it bobs free he doesn't spill any of the wine. He fills their glasses, then just stares at Adam, holding his breath. 

"I like this," Adam says, leaning back against the cushions. 

Tommy nods, drinking so he doesn't have to say anything. 

"They seriously love you."

That makes him look at his shoes, the battered tips. Adam is right. "Did Dad bully you?" he finally asks. 

Adam laughs again. "No. We agreed on everything."

"What did he make you promise?"

"I told him I'm never gonna hurt you on purpose. I'll shoot myself in the leg before I let that happen."

Tommy sighs, puts his glass down, and just hugs his legs close to his chest. "They're impossible. Sorry."

"Hey," Adam says quietly. "It's nice. It's really nice. They're so kind to me. They treat me like I'm someone special. They've been worried about you."

He tries not to let it affect him, but it does. He looks at Adam with all that embarrassment and regret he feels. He has no words. 

Adam touches his shin with his fingers, almost like he's not aware what he's doing. "It's okay. You're out of the deep waters, aren't you? You'll be fine. And they see it. You'll be fine."

It would be so much easier if he didn't know how worried he's made his loved ones, how much his mother has hoped that he would find his way, that he'd stop running. Adam is not a solution to his problems, but he's maybe a direction Tommy has never taken before. He's never tried to just be with someone. "Can you handle them?"

The smile that lights Adam's face is brighter than the sun, and it makes him so beautiful it hurts to look at him. "I'm overwhelmed," he says, his tone soft. "They're so noisy." There's so much love in Adam's voice it's clear he's trying to make everything lighter with his words. Then he whispers, "Please let me keep them." 

He can't seem to close himself off from Adam anymore. He's open to hurt, to disappointment, to cruelty, to abandonment. "Yeah..." 

"I don't think I've ever done anything this scary." Adam turns on his stomach, looking at Tommy sideways. "You're a precious little thing, and I might never get to know enough of you."

"I don't want to hurt you either."

Adam grins, playful. "I know." He looks like a teenager, sounds like one too. 

He reaches out, touches the side of Adam's face with his knuckles. "I told Mia, too. She cried."

"What about the guys?" Adam closes his eyes, clearly loving the touch. 

"Tonight, maybe."

"I've told everyone. I think Raja is the only one of my friends who doesn't know because I didn't know if you’d want the workplace to know about us."

Tommy leans his chin against his knees, smiling. "She knows. She knew from the beginning."

"Figures." There's pure joy in Adam's voice. Then he turns on his side and pulls a pillow under his head. "I feel like sleeping. Will the girls get us when the party starts again?" 

It's customary in Tommy's family that after dinner everyone goes to lie down for a bit. The whole yard is now full of people lazing about. 

"Yeah, and they'll want you to sing."

Adam fake-pouts, but can't hold back the smile. "Do I have to?"

"I'll play if you do."

"We didn't bring your guitar." Adam sounds sleepy already. 

"This is my home," he says, lying down next to Adam, taking a strawberry from the big blue bowl. "I have things here."

"I'm glad you took me here." Adam puts his arm over Tommy's stomach, pulling him closer, nuzzling his neck. 

He's glad, too. 

"I think I love you," Adam whispers in his ear, close to sleep. "Love your heart."

He lies awake for a long time after that, listening to Adam sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There'll be one more chapter, and hopefully it'll be out sooner than this one. I apologize for the long wait. This chapter wasn't easy to write because I'm so full of love and I'm such a sappy person, and to write new love without making it too syrupy is a challenge for me. I did my best, my beta @aislinntlc helped me a lot, and this is the best I could do. I hope you like it. I hope it feels real. I hope it works. <3


	13. Welcome to the End

They are fashionably late to Raja’s Employees and Friends -party because Adam wanted to play with toys - and Tommy has never had such a fascinating walk to work. 

Adam bought a small butt plug for him, and it’s now very much inside him, making each step impossible to ignore. He feels everything, and everything makes him breathe heavy deep breaths. And Adam is all over him, touching him, smelling him, leaning close, hovering near, and it gets worse when they go inside Naked Spirit. It takes a moment for Tommy to understand what’s going on, and when he does he melts, unable to resist Adam’s closeness. 

Adam is protective of him. 

They talk with friends. They drink and dance. They socialize like they normally would, but everything is different because Adam doesn’t let go of him. His hand is always on the small of Tommy’s back, or around his waist, or over his shoulder, holding him close. 

Tommy’s friends are there too, and when Adam acts a bit coldly towards them Tommy can’t figure out what his problem is, except when he catches a part of something Adam whispers to Brad: “Here... all to myself...”

At work, he’s always been Adam’s, and now his friends get to see this side of Tommy’s life, too.

Tommy grins because Adam is being stupid. Nobody owns him like Adam does, and it’s been clear since day one. Adam has no reason to feel this way, but as the night grows older, Adam gets more and more possessive, and when Raja accidentally stumbles against Tommy beside the bar - apologizing profoundly and then noticing how Tommy reacts to the sudden contact - Adam takes hold of the bar, his knuckles turning white, and Tommy knows he’s close to losing it. 

Raja doesn’t say anything, but she sees everything, and it’s clear she guesses what’s going on. 

Tommy blushes, but doesn’t hide from Raja’s stare, and Raja only smiles at him, sweet and a little wicked. “You affect him,” Raja whispers in his ear, touching his cheek. 

Tommy is about to say something back when Adam grabs his waist and hauls him towards the bathroom. He tries to walk, tries to make it less embarrassing for himself, but Adam doesn’t give him a chance. 

Adam pushes him into one of the bathroom stalls, not too gently, and then steps in and closes the door behind them. Tommy is staring at the wall, black tiles and white marble. Raja keeps her bathrooms clean, and Tommy can't help being a little grateful. 

He doesn't dare to look at Adam because there are all kinds of fucked up things working inside his mind, and he doesn't want Adam to verify any of them. He wants Adam to tell him what to do. He wants Adam to own him. And if Adam dares he'll probably lash out because of everything that's happened to him. 

But still he feels like he's done something wrong, even though his rational mind knows he has the right to have his friends here, and he can't stop people from bumping into him. Still, he waits for the punishment, and when it doesn't come, he doesn't know which part of his reality is real. 

Adam is standing very close to him, not touching him. Tommy listens to his breaths, listens to the way he shifts on his feet, his clothes rustling. 

He doesn't expect Adam to laugh, his lips right behind Tommy's ear. It startles him, and he shivers. "Is it wrong of me to want to show you who you belong to?"

Tommy holds his breath. 

"I want to rip your clothes off, pull the plug out, and fuck you. I want to leave fingerprints all over your body. I want you to feel it tomorrow. I want it to hurt so good." Adam puts his right hand on Tommy's waist, his fingers digging into his skin. "I want you to know. I don't care about them. You. I want..."

It's not about punishment after all. He nods, then bows his head, exposing the back of his neck, and after a while, Adam licks it, his teeth scraping Tommy's skin. 

"I want to hurt you."

He lets out an agreeing sound. 

"You don't understand," Adam whispers, his fingers digging deeper into Tommy's skin. "Only the way you want to be hurt."

Tommy bites his lips, swallowing. "Adam?"

"Like this." Adam grabs a handful of his hair and forces his head back. It's a violent movement, nothing gentle behind it, but heat pools down in Tommy's stomach, and his knees buckle. Adam's grip becomes even stronger, and it hurts so bad he has to pant, tears in his eyes. "And like this." Adam moves the hand on his waist, scratches Tommy's stomach under his shirt so hard he'll be leaving marks. "You set the limit. You can push mine. I can push yours, but here, you set the limit. I want this. All of this."

He feels Adam opening his pants, then there's a hand in his pants squeezing him. Adam is now moving his hips, rubbing himself against Tommy's ass, and the plug makes everything so much more sensitive. "Don't make a sound," Adam whispers in his ear. "I don't want anyone to hear you."

He nods, frantic, ready to agree to anything. 

Adam pushes his head down again, biting his neck, licking it, his hand in Tommy's pants too forceful, too needy, squeezing too hard. It feels perfect, and Tommy leans back, trying to get closer to Adam. Then Adam pushes his hand further down Tommy's pants until he can reach the plug. He plays with it as much as he can from this angle, pulling it out a little and pushing it back in, moving his fingers over it in circles. 

Tommy takes hold of Adam's wrist because it's too much, and he can't help the need to ease things up a little. 

Instead of making things less, Adam uses both his hands to push Tommy's pants down all the way to his ankles. Tommy toes off his shoes, and then his pants are gone completely, and his ass is covered only by the hem of his dress shirt. He can't stop shaking, and when Adam takes hold of the base of the plug he whines, remembering that he shouldn't make sounds, but it's an impossible promise to keep. 

Adam slaps his hand over Tommy's mouth, and it makes his skin tingle. Adam pushes four fingers inside his mouth to keep him quiet when he starts to move the plug in and out of Tommy's body. 

Tommy puts his palms against the wall, spreading his legs and pushing his hips back. Adam lets out a pleased sound, and that makes Tommy happy. He takes it, lets Adam play with his body, and when Adam pulls the plug out entirely he even remembers to bite down to Adam's fingers and not let out that whine. When the plug is gone Adam doesn't hesitate at all. He thrusts deep into Tommy's body with one harsh jerk of his hips, and that would've been a scream if Adam hadn't squeezed Tommy's throat tight. 

He can't breathe. He can't move because Adam is crowding him against the wall, his free hand roaming over Tommy's body, leaving marks. 

Adam doesn't change the pace at all, just pounds into Tommy's body, takes him like he wants, and it makes Tommy shiver from inside out. He understands what Adam was saying before, what he meant by wanting to hurt him only the way he wanted to be hurt. He's hurting right now. His whole body is in agony, and he's not getting enough air. He could pass out, but then Adam releases his throat, and fists his hair instead, pulling his head back into a kiss that breaks his lower lip. Adam sucks on the wound, and he doesn't know how to hold back the tiny hurt noise that wants to burst out of him. He bites his tongue, bites his cheeks, grabs Adam's hand that's holding his hip, and just leaves behind all thoughts. He feels Adam, feels him inside, feels him close, inside his head, inside his body, inside his soul. 

Adam wraps his hand around Tommy's cock, and it's not even needed. Two seconds later he's coming, making a mess of the bathroom wall. Then he lets Adam use him for his pleasure as he pleases, lets Adam fuck him so hard he can't even feel his legs. 

When it's over he can't stand. He's nothing but breaths and sweat and satisfaction. 

Adam holds him close when he pulls out, and this time, Tommy really feels it. The hurt grounds him, puts a smile on his face, and makes him nuzzle Adam's hand that's pushing his hair off his face. 

They are exhausted, and Adam sits on the toilet bowl, pulling Tommy into his lap. "Was it good?"

Tommy leans his head against Adam's shoulder, holding Adam's hand. He nods, too happy to say anything. Adam takes a few pieces of toilet paper and wipes Tommy clean with those. Then he just holds Tommy, stroking his arm and side. 

"I love this," Adam says after a while. "Sometimes it makes me so angry to even think about someone hurting you the wrong way."

Tommy tilts his head back to look at Adam. He touches Adam's lips with his finger, tracing them. "Good now," he finally says. 

Adam smiles under his touch, then licks his finger playfully. "I'm glad."

"I love the way you hurt me." He doesn't know if that's enough of an explanation so he tries to find more words. "It makes me mellow. Like I want to stay. Like it's... I don't know. Like it makes everything easier." 

Adam breathes in his scent. "You have no idea how much I wanted to keep everyone out of your way today. You're mine, that feeling inside you is mine." 

He smiles. "Yeah..."

"You make me crazy."

"Good. You can punish me whenever you want."

Adam laughs. "You got that all wrong. All I want is to get you back home and make you beg. If someone else even looks at you, touches you... I don't want to punish you... I want to make sure you want to stay. But if you want me to punish you..." Adam bites his ear. "I'd be happy to."

Tommy can't help the lazy grin. He's so, so satisfied he could stay here forever. Raja might have questions, though. "You know... I've never been this happy."

Adam kisses the side of his head, then whispers, "Really?"

“I feel like you let me be me more than I let myself be me. That’s something.”

“Move in with me,” Adam says in Tommy’s ear, his arms holding him tighter. 

This should be huge, but it isn’t. He’s let go of the worst of the fear, and this is easy compared to that. This is like telling the sun it’s actually pretty warm. “You’d have me?”

“In a heartbeat.”

“What if I suck?” Now he’s only testing Adam. He wants Adam to be sure too. 

“I’ll suck back,” Adam says, the smile in his voice so clear Tommy has to smile too. “But honestly? I feel good with you. All the things you are or can’t be... It’s okay. I’ve seen really bad shit, and you’re like the opposite of all that. I’m grateful that I met you. That’s how good you are.”

He’s starting to feel a little cold, his pants still a rumpled pile on the toilet floor, but he doesn’t want to move. Adam is his warmth. 

“Okay.”

“Really?”

“Tomorrow’s a day off. I don’t have much. I can fit all that into your car.”

Adam hugs him so tight he can’t breathe. “You’re the best. The best.”

“I know,” he says, a self-satisfied grin on his face. “The bestest.” 

“Tell me you’ll stay. I know we can’t predict the future, but lie to me.” Adam sounds like he might break if Tommy doesn’t do exactly that. 

“I won’t lie. I’ll only leave if you hit me and tell me to piss off.”

Adam strokes the side of his head, his other arm still around his waist. “Welcome to forever, then, baby.”

 

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved writing this story so very much, and @aislinntlc has been my constant companion. She made this story a lot more readable with her beta work (I'm not bad, but I'm still not a native speaker). 
> 
> I want to thank you all for following this story. It means a lot to me. The fic part of the fandom is quieting down. Less fic, less comments, less reading so it's good to know that there are still people who want to read and who love this pairing. It's still my favorite after all this time. :) 
> 
> There's one more scene in my mind, but I won't be writing it. They make music together. They have small gigs together. And eventually, they'll form a band. And yeah, even if they can't predict future I can, and their future won't always be easy, but they'll live happily ever after together. <3
> 
> This story and these pictures [Stitch-84](http://stitch-84.tumblr.com/) drew for me made me very happy. My beta has asked me to revisit this story, and it's possible I'll get back to it. Maybe there is one more scene to be written. We'll see.


	14. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is for my beta @aislinntlc. It's her birthday today, and she asked for a scene for this story. Since it's a gift, I asked the wonderful @leela_cat to beta this. Thank you so much, both of you. <3

Tommy is walking behind Adam because he doesn’t want to disturb him in any way. This is the first time Adam has brought him here, and he can’t even fathom what it means to him. Rick never cared one bit about this even though Adam thought he did, and Tommy knows how difficult it is to let someone else back into your broken life when you’ve been ripped to pieces by someone you love. 

He likes graveyards because they are quiet and gloomy. He feels at peace in places like that, and he doesn’t mind knowing that everyone is dead. Death is what happens in life. It can’t be avoided. 

Adam holds out his hand, but doesn’t turn to look at him, and Tommy picks up his pace, reaching for Adam’s hand. 

This is hard for Adam, one of those things that hurt him more than anything else: first the loss and then someone not caring about that part of him at all. Tommy entwines their fingers, watching Adam’s back, feeling the love vibrating inside him. He wants to tell Adam how much he appreciates this, but he doesn’t know how. 

“It’s right there,” Adam says, and Tommy can hear the longing in his voice. 

They stop in front of a large stone with fresh flowers covering most of the grave, and Tommy wonders how many people still miss them after all these years. He would like to be someone like that, someone who people remember with love.

_In loving memory._

He looks at Adam, expecting a blank face, but there are tears in Adam’s eyes, and he’s smiling. “Hello mother,” Adam says softly. “I have someone to show you.”

Tommy doesn’t believe in an afterlife, but he believes in love and Adam loves them. So he waves with his fingers and says, “Hi, I’m Tommy. I’m in love with your son.”

Adam looks at him with a surprised expression, his eyes huge and round, and Tommy leans against his side, then continues, “He still can’t believe it, though, but I’m working on it.”

“They would’ve loved you,” Adam whispers. 

He would’ve loved them because they gave him Adam. 

They sit beside the grave, eating muffins and drinking Coke, and Adam talks to his dead parents as much as he wants. Tommy holds his hand, loving every second of it. He feels like Adam is showing him a vulnerable side that he’s kept underneath all those things that make him so strong. 

“I think this is enough,” Adam says after a while, and Tommy stands, taking Adam’s hand and pulling him up, too. They hold each other, watching the grave, and then, without a word, they leave. 

They go to their favorite cafe, Tommy ordering an ice tea for himself and hot chocolate for Adam because he seems like he needs something warm. 

“Thank you.” Adam doesn’t look at him, but Tommy sees how small he feels. 

“My pleasure,” he says softly, staring at Adam over the rim of his glass. 

“You’re making me feel so much better about myself.”

He smiles, drinks a bit, and then says, “I’m glad.”

“It’s like you have secret skills,” Adam confesses, playing with his drink. “You know me.”

Tommy can’t help it; he lights up like a sun, beaming. He bites his lips together because he wants to listen, not talk over Adam’s fragile words. 

“And you ordered me this...” He points the spoon at his drink. It seems he can’t say more, and Tommy mourns for those words because he wants to hear them. He loves the things Adam shares. 

“Go on,” he whispers. “Please.”

Adam looks at him, smiling ruefully. There’s sadness on his face, bitter wrinkles around his eyes. “I wish I’d met you sooner. I wish I wasn’t so fucked up. I wish you could’ve known me when I was better.”

“If you were any better than this, I couldn’t have stayed.” Tommy can barely stand it now. 

“But...”

“You understand how I feel,” he says, touching Adam’s hand with his fingertips. “I can’t take perfect; I can’t be perfect. I can take you.” He doesn’t add: just barely. He hopes that someday it’ll change, that someday he won’t feel an overwhelming need to just let go, let Adam have something better. He can take Adam because Adam messes up too, because Adam sucks at things too, because Adam is not better than him. Sometimes, he can believe it. Some days, he can think that. Some days, he can accept that they are equals, and he’s not pulling Adam down. Today is one of those days. Today, he can be open and let Adam in. He’s not pulling away. 

“So it’s okay?”

He grins. “More than okay.”

“You don’t mind that he still affects me, makes me believe things about myself, about you and our relationship?” Adam tilts his head to the side. “You really don’t mind.”

Exactly. 

They hold hands, and the world around them means nothing to Tommy.

“You were lovely at the grave,” Adam says next. “You care.”

Tommy strokes the back of Adam’s hand with his thumb. “Yeah... I happen to adore you.”

It’s Adam’s turn to beam, and the smile just cracks his face open, his eyes full of joy. “Keep saying that. Please?”

“What? That I love you? That I’m in love with you? That I worship the ground under your feet?”

Adam leans closer, whispering, “Convince me.”

Tommy thinks about those words for a moment, then says, “Give me an hour.”

Adam looks surprised, then he leans back, everything in him sending Tommy ideas of sex-want-now. Adam’s eyes are wicked. “Please,” Adam says, holding his hand out towards the door, telling Tommy to go. 

He does, going home by bus and leaving the car to Adam. 

He’s lived with Adam for two months now, and his existence can be seen everywhere. He’s in the kitchen with his coffee mugs. He’s in the bathroom with his black toothbrush and white towel with painted blood splatters. He’s in the living room with his guitars and CDs, and Adam even let him hang his Nosferatu poster behind the TV. He’s everywhere, but he’s also cleaner than before. Adam has rules, like he has to take the dishes back to the kitchenette, or his dirty socks have to find their way to the laundry basket. He complains about Adam’s neat-freakiness, but at the same time, he’s a little impressed that Adam can make his lazy ass do some of those things. He still rebels, though. He keeps his coffee mug by his bedside table. He often throws his T-shirts over the back of the couch because he can’t decide what to wear. He does little things just to make sure that he’s not losing himself again. He tries not to annoy Adam too much, though. 

Tommy takes a quick shower, shaving his entire body. He’s good at it now because he has to do it all the time for his job. Then he brushes his teeth and puts on the black lace panties Adam bought him. He doesn’t dare to look at himself in the mirror because he would take them off if he did. He wants to wear them. He wants Adam to see him in them. 

He changes the sheets, his heart hammering in his chest, and it’s just plain weird. It’s not like this is their first time. That happened a long time ago. He smiles at the memory, and then takes the handcuffs out of the drawer of Adam’s bedside table. 

Adam hasn’t fucked him when he’s tied up, not off stage. He thinks that Tommy has too many issues, and maybe he does, but it’s still something he likes. He wants Adam to accept it. He cuffs himself to the bedpost, keeping the key in his right hand, just in case. He’s learned his lesson. 

Then he waits. 

It doesn’t take long for Adam to come home, and when Tommy hears the key in the lock he arches his back with his ass up and his legs spread. He knows how he looks to Adam, and it’s the whole purpose of this thing, that and showing Adam that he’s fine. 

“You...” Adam says, then walks slowly towards Tommy, dropping his clothes on the way. “Oh my god... You didn’t.”

He tries to hold back the grin. “I did.” He moves his ass a little. “Do you like it?”

Adam touches his ass, stroking him over the panties. “You’re killing me with these.”

“They’re weird,” he says, like a confession. “But I feel pretty.”

“You are,” Adam whispers, tracing Tommy’s skin with his fingertips, following lace. “God, you are.”

“Please...” He doesn’t know how to ask for what he wants. 

Adam licks Tommy’s thigh, just below the panties. He spreads his legs further. “You’re so going to ache before we’re through.”

He hopes Adam means it. 

When Adam cups his balls through the thin fabric, Tommy pulls at the cuffs, pushes his forehead against the pillow. The lace feels harsh, almost uncomfortable, and when Adam rubs him, it’s all kinds of mixed sensations. His whole mind feels red, filled with fog, and he’s panting, his mouth open, saliva pooling under his tongue. 

He swallows hard, then lets out a surprised sound because Adam licks him through lace, licks his balls, his hole, his cheeks, tongue wide and wet. If he’d known he would’ve done this sooner. Adam plays with him longer than he’s ever done before, not taking off the panties, just rubbing and sucking and licking Tommy through them, making him a wet hot mess. And when Adam finally pulls the panties down enough to lick Tommy for real, he’s barely breathing. He’s constant sound, sweet little noises, sweat running down his back. 

Adam licks him good, makes him squirm, makes him beg, and it does him no good. Every time he’s even close to coming, Adam pulls back, stroking his sides, his back, the side of his head, so good to him, so quiet, and when he can breathe again Adam does it again and again until he’s reduced to tiny movements of his lower body, tense muscles, and breaths that barely leave his body. 

When he’s that far gone, Adam leaves him for a moment, then comes back with the plastic dildo they haven’t used before. It’s see-through and odd-shaped, and he doesn’t know if he’ll like it. It might be too hard. 

But Adam knows how to use it, how to make him ask for it, because he only teases Tommy with it, pushes it against his hole but not in, not until Tommy says he wants it, and even after that Adam mostly just holds it there, then pulls it out, a small amount of pressure driving Tommy insane. He’s wet with lube and saliva, and Adam is making him even wetter, not spreading him enough, not giving him enough. 

“I can’t...” He needs it. “Please... Adam.”

Adam pushes the dildo into his body, slowly, gently, and he can’t breathe around the pressure.

“Fuck... God... Just...” He holds onto the cuffs, the key long gone. His mind is cracking, breaking under the thundering feel of pleasure, and he can’t take it. “Please fuck me. Adam... I can’t. Please.”

Adam strokes his spine, eases the dildo out of him, then whispers, “No fucking tonight, baby.” And Tommy bites his lip so he won’t cry out. 

Adam holds him, kisses his skin, his shoulderblade, the sensitive part behind his ear, and then enters him slowly, so slowly it’s suffocating. It’s like he hasn’t been opened at all, like his body is fighting it, and his mind shuts down around a whine. He can’t do this. 

He can’t tell how long it takes for Adam to push in. He can’t concentrate on anything but breathing because otherwise he would crack open and break, but when it finally happens, when Adam is there, he can’t hold back the emotions. It’s happiness and hollow sadness combined, and he’d cry if he could. Instead he just lets Adam make love to him, lets him be sweet, lets Adam bind him to Adam. 

It breaks his heart, and when it’s finally over, when Adam puts a hand around his cock and makes him come, there’s nothing left, not a single conflicting thought, and he’s just lying there, deeply satisfied. 

Adam kisses his cheek, then says, “I’ll never get over the fact that you let me hurt you. I’ve never met anyone so open.”

He hides his face, embarrassed, but Adam pulls at his hair, forcing him to show himself. Adam’s eyes are warm. “Hey, there’s nobody here. You never have to hide from me.”

Tommy knows that. It doesn’t make it any easier to trust. “Do you believe me now?” he asks, exhausted and ready to be let out of the cuffs. Like clockwork, Adam finds the key and releases him, gathering him into his arms, still inside him, still on top of him. 

Adam’s voice is full of teasing promises when he says, “The panties stay. That’s how convinced I am.”

He laughs, pleased that Adam liked his laced proclamation of love.

 

The End


End file.
